JamZone

Man Cannot Live on Bread Alone...But He Can Jam.

2008-11-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the following Sara Lee commercial, starring Disney superstar Corbin Bleu. It's basically him and a bunch of other kids dancing and freaking out over bread, and, later, bread with peanut butter and jelly. See for yourself:

They're really trying to push their hip new image, those folks at Sara Lee. I mean, it's just bread. White bread, at that. (An aside: some jab comedian is going to do a bit about a multiracial kid whoring himself to promote WHITE bread, mark my words.) But it got me thinking: corporate grabs for targeted demographics aside, this speaks to me because I've been pretty psyched to eat some relatively paltry "meals." So these kids are dancing about bread; I've almost been too impatient with excitement to wait for the cheese, rice, and Frank's Red Hot to cool down enough for me to eat it without charring my tongue.

We have chronicled some pretty elaborate jams in the pages of this blog. Indeed, they are jams. But a jam doesn't need to be complicated. Going further, the leisure aspect of the jams that have been addressed previously doesn't always avail itself to the Jammer. Desperation, hunger, lack of ingredients, laziness: all of these play a role in what one could consider a jam.

This brings me to a question for all fellow Jammers: what's your bare minimum jam? When you get down to brass tacks, what do you consider a jam? Peanut butter and jelly? Spaghetti and sauce? Salted butter (...Adam)?

In my time, I have been known to dunk white bread into a small plate filled with A1. That was an after-school snack for quite some time. (I was a healthy kid.) Recently, I have reacquainted myself with the jam that is the spoonful of creamy peanut butter. A tomato is a jam. A few chocolate chips from a bag of Tollhouse Morsels or some barbecue sauce on Ritz Crackers? Both jams. Mini-Spooners? JAM.

Now that Sir Michael V. Tightfist Controlenstein has opened the blog up for free posting, please feel free to edit this post and add your two cents. Loyal readers to this long dormant blog, please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Be on the lookout for this entry's sister post, detailing the quite timely and relevant "Recession Jam." Until next time...

CLASSIC JAMS OF WORLD LITERATURE

2008-06-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

From the pages of the famous novel One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez comes this instructive tale of an unrelenting jam.

"Cease, cows," Aureliano Segundo shouted at the height of the party. "Cease, because life is short."

...

Fabulous eaters arrived from everywhere to take part in the irrational tourneys of capacity and resistance that were organized in the house of Petra Cotes. Aureliano Segundo was the unconquered eater until the luckless Saturday when Camila Sagastume appeared, a totemic female known all through the land by the good name of "The Elephant." The duel lasted until dawn on Tuesday. During the first twenty-four hours, having dispatched a dinner of veal, with cassava, yams, and fried bananas, and a case and a half of champagne in addition, Aureliano Segundo was sure of victory. He seemed more enthusiastic, more vital than his imperturbable adversary, who possessed a style that was obviously more professional, but at the same time less emotional for the large crowd that filled the house. While Aureliano Segundo ate with great bites, overcome by the anxiety of victory, The Elephant was slicing her meat with the art of a surgeon and eating it unhurriedly and even with a certain pleasure. She was gigantic and sturdy, but over her colossal form a tenderness of femininity prevailed and she had a face that was so beautiful, hands so fine and well cared for, and such an irresistible personal charm that when Aureliano Segundo saw her enter the house he commented in a low voice that he would have preferred to have the tourney in bed and not at the table. Later on, when he saw her consume a side of veal without breaking a single rule of good table manners, he commented seriously that that delicate, fascinating, and insatiable proboscidian was in a certain way the ideal woman. He was not mistaken. The reputation of a bone crusher that had preceded The Elephant had no basis. She was not a beef cruncher or a bearded lady from a Greek circus, as had been said, but the director of a school of voice. She had learned to eat when she was already the respectable mother of a family, looking for a way for her children to eat better and not by means of any artificial stimulation of their appetites but through the absolute tranquility of their spirits. Her theory, demonstrated in practice, was based on the principle that a person who had all matters of conscience in perfect shape should be able to eat until overcome by fatigue. And it was for moral reasons and sporting interest that she left her school and her home to compete with a man whose fame as a great, unprincipled eater had spread throughout the country. From the first moment she saw him she saw that Aureliano Segundo would lose not his stomach but his character. At the end of the first night, while The Elephant was boldly going on, Aureliano Segundo was wearing himself out with a great deal of talking and laughing. They slept four hours. On awakening each one had the juice of forty oranges, eight quarts of coffee, and thirty raw eggs. On the second morning, after many hours without sleep and having put away two pigs, a bunch of bananas, and four cases of champagne, The Elephant suspected that Aureliano Segundo had unknowingly discovered the same method as hers, but by the absurd route of total irresponsibility. He was, therefore, more dangerous than she had thought. Nevertheless, when Petra Cotes brought two roasted turkeys to the table, Aureliano Segundo was a step away from being stuffed.

"If you can't, don't eat any more," The Elephant said to him. "Let's call it a tie."

She said it from her heart, understanding that she could not eat another mouthful either, out of remorse for bringing on the death of her adversary. But Aureliano Segundo interpreted it as another challenge and he filled himself with turkey beyond his incredible capacity. He lost consciousness. He fell face down in to the plate filled with bones, frothing at the mouth like a dog, and drowning in moans of agony. He felt, in the midst of the darkness, that they were throwing him from the top of a tower into a bottomless pit and in a last flash of consciousness he realized that at the end of that endless fall death was waiting for him.

...

He did recover, indeed, in less than a week, and two weeks later he was celebrating the fact of his survival with unprecedented festivities.

Grape Goes off....

2008-05-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Friends,

What in god's name is your jam? This is not a complex question and in fact I implore you to not think too hard about it. You jammed this morning, you jammed last night and in fact you might very well be reading this and jamming right now. Jams sustain us, they keep us content and they literally feed our soul. Furthermore, although some omnivores may deliberate and proselytize about what we eat, I would say that more importantly it is when we eat. Peace, love and jams ya'll!

LRL JAMs Vol. 2

2008-04-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

Tour jams, round two. No time to waste.

Albuquerque, NM to Amarillo, TX

Truck stop fried chicken is a gamble. It always seems like a good idea, but sometimes you eat the b'ar, and sometimes the b'ar eats you. This time, I ate the b'ar in the form of a wing section of Broaster fried chicken. What is a Broaster, anyway? I suppose I could Google it, but I'm not going to. This stuff was good, and a welcome detour from the Mini-Spooner and almond road I'd been taking.

Amarillo, TX

The 806: recommended.
The first time we rolled through Amarillo, we hit this sweet coffee shop and had a great time playing and eating free pizza bagels. The second time through was more of the same, which was great. Jason makes a mean pizza bagel (you have your choice of Parmesan cheese or sun-dried tomato bagels) and boy, do they hit the spot. They don't leave you feeling too full before you play, which is an added bonus. I also had some sort of green tea, and I wish I remembered what kind it was, because it was good. Maybe it was all the honey I put in it. Gotta take care of the throat.

Waffle House: always recommended (unless you're in Birds & Batteries).
Let's get the fact that most of B&B hates on Waffle House (to each his own). I love this place because it's cheap and decent. To cite my price/quality correlation, if the quality of the food exceeds the cost, you've got a winner. Waffle House doesn't hold up to most of my beloved jams, but it's so cheap that you can't deny it. We stopped for 1:00 p.m. breakfast, though I had a hamburger plate with diced and peppered hash browns. When our waitress found out we were in a band, she told us about this local band that was named after one of the member's late son. She spoke so quickly that I had a hard time catching the name, or most of the details of the story, but when she switched to talking about how she saw Pink Floyd live, things got interesting. She told us that they caught Floyd on the Division Bell tour and that her husband, "you couldn't miss him, he was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut way off," was there with her and their friend. It was the best time she had ever had at a concert, she said, and she was elated to find a quick shot of them on the subsequent concert DVD, especially since their friend had since died. Lots of people this woman knew rocked and died, and she did a pretty good job of making our food, even though she was just covering for the cook who didn't show. Later, on the ride to Dallas, we snacked hard.

Dallas, TX
Zini's Pizza: recommended.
Just a block away from Club Dada in Dallas's Deep Ellum neighborhood, Zini's Pizza delivers (and delivers). The slices are on the smaller side, but they're tasty and pretty inexpensive. The girl at the counter asked if she had seen me before. I told her that she may have, since I've had a slice from Zini's every time we've played in Deep Ellum. She asked what band I was in, and when I told her, she told me she'd never heard of us. Then she gave me the employee discount. Here's to pity pizza. They also give you these awesome chocolate fortune cookies. I don't remember my fortune because I was too busy counting the dollar I just saved.

Neil and Sarah's house:
I love these two people. They're friends from way back, they always put us up, and they always have awesome food. Sarah even came by on her lunch break to bring us some sausages and other snacks. I took two habanero sausages, some garlic, green peppers, onions, and olive oil, and cooked them up, then added a jar of Newman's Own Tomato and Basil pasta sauce. Mark cooked the remaining four sausages (feta and artichoke and Texas hot links) in beer on the stove top and then grilled them to finish. Julie, Neil, Mark, and I sat down to a meal of sausage sauce-covered sausage sandwiches while Amanda looked on and thought about the Boca burger she just ate.

Ft. Worth, TX
Fuzzy's: recommended.
We heard big talk about Fuzzy's from Julie, as she had first experienced this new taco chain while in Texas on tour with her band, Or, the Whale. Good food, she had said, and well within the budget of no budget. Chris, from the band Telegraph Canyon, brought us over before our show at the Chat Room Pub. Having just eaten a lot of sausage, I held back and only ordered one carnitas hard taco. It was very good. The meat was tender and had a hint of garlic, the shell was crispy and the whole taco was topped with tomatoes, lettuce, and feta cheese. This would not be the last time I jammed Fuzzy's on the trip.

Austin, TX
Kim Phung: recommended.
Outside of Kim Phung, banners proclaim its dominance in the world of Austin Vietnamese food. It won "Best Noodle Bowl" about a million years in a row, and had all kinds of other awards affixed to the door. We headed in for lunch and three of the four of us ordered noodle bowls (Amanda ordered what sounded like a chewy noodle dish but ended up being a crispy noodle and vegetable affair that was heavy on the presentation), along with tofu and shrimp spring rolls. The spring rolls were good, maybe a little thick in the way of rice noodle wrapping. The peanut sauce was good, not very "liquidy" and strongly flavored with soy sauce. The shrimp noodle bowl was good, and large. I was the only one who ended up finishing, because I am a fat kid. Vietnamese food is generally cheap, and this was no exception. I think each entree was around $6.00, which is pretty good. The service was prompt, but they didn't get Mark's jokes. The fortune cookies also didn't contain fortunes, but advice. Darned preachy Vietnamese.

Kick Butt Coffee: meh.
Our first show of SXSW took place at Kick Butt Coffee, a new coffee shop on the outskirts of Austin. The employees have to dress up in karate gis, they have an anime logo, there are rubber shuriken in a basket at the counter (for some reason), and they have swords on the wall and a TV that plays Nintendo's Wii or some sort of kung-fu/action movie. The coffee was okay (and free because we played to nobody) but the place is wicked gimmicky. Good if you find yourself out on Airport Boulevard in need of some caffeine.

County Line (On the Hill): recommended.
I normally hate on Texas barbecue (it comes in so far behind the pork-based barbecues of the Carolinas), but this place was good. I will conceded that Texas barbecue, in general, is pretty good. Julie's cousin recommended we hit this place on the way back to her house, and we did. The neon sign that greets the patrons is one to behold, and it amps up your anticipation as you ascend the hill into the parking lot. On top of the restaurant is a two-headed steer that is the most metal thing I've seen adorning an eatery. The smell of barbecue sauce is present even in the parking lot, which is always a good sign. I split some barbecue chicken wings with Mike, which were excellent. The meat was tender and well-cooked, and the sauce was sweet and spicy. They brought out ranch with them, which was understandable since we were in Texas but still made me wish it was bleu cheese. My entree was a three-meat plate: brisket, hot links, and pork ribs. Our waiter was an affable jabroni named Guy, and he convinced me to add potato salad to my already-chosen sides of baked beans and cole slaw at no extra charge. It was a mistake. I didn't even touch it. The food was great, though it wasn't the best barbecue I've had (I love you, Dinosaur BBQ).

Pita Pit: recommended.
We tried to go for burgers at Casino el Camino, which is a total jam. Unfortunately, it's not an hidden treasure, so there was a 45-minute wait on burgers. We decided to go to Pita Pit because it offers the chance to load up on vegetables for cheap. After ordering your choice of pita filling (chicken, hummus, ham, etc.), you tell them what to put in the sandwich. We've found that if you get a fat person to make your pita, they put in more than if you get some random skinny person. Try for yourself and let me know how it works out. I had grilled chicken with almost all of the vegetables (skipped iceberg lettuce, sprouts, and cucumbers), feta cheese, tatziki, and hot sauce. Jam.

The Parlor: recommended.
Punk-rock pizza out on North Loop. They do shows and they make some pretty good pies. We've been lucky to eat for free there, since we've only visited when we were playing shows. The pizza isn't deep dish, and it isn't thin crust; it's somewhere in between, on the chewy side with a layer of crunch where it's been fired in the oven. We jammed ricotta cheese and sausage, and it was great. My dining experience was slightly tainted by the chips in my teeth that I gave myself that night when I accidentally bit down on the microphone during our last song. Bummer.

Iron Works: recommended.
We've been told that this is George Bush's favorite barbecue restaurant, which does a lot to sour the taste of the otherwise good barbecue they make. It's pretty unfair to hold an establishment accountable for its patrons' actions, though, so we stepped into Iron Works to try it out (jammer King also wanted us to go try it). I had a chicken plate and split a half-rack of ribs with the guys. The chicken was good, tender and well-sauced (but not overwhelmed). The sauce was sweet and rich, and went well with the sides of cole slaw and baked beans. The ribs were better than the ones I had at County Line a couple of nights before, tender with a bit of meat-on-the-bone resistance. The service was friendly, if a bit rushed, and the prices weren't bad. This place definitely isn't cheap, but you'll leave full.

Clementine Coffee: recommended.
We played So Many Bands' 5th Anniversary party on Friday and were treated to free (iced) coffees and yellow and chocolate "birthday" cake. Since it was about a billion degrees outside and we were tired as all get-out, the iced coffee was life-saving. The cake, I think, was mostly eaten by me, Sesos, Clark, and Jared from Scouts Honor. When it's free, it's for me.

Taqueria Los Jalisciensis: not recommended.
Before watching Birds & Batteries play their final show of SXSW, I headed over to Taqueria Los Jalisciensis to get what I hoped would be a relatively (stressed) healthy chicken taco salad. Since the show was at the way-out Kick Butt Coffee, I didn't have much of a choice when it came to convenient food options. (I could have gone to Wendy's or Panda Express; the last time I went to Panda Express, I bit into a rock and when I brought it to the attention of the counter person, she said, "Oh, I know," and then just looked at me.) Initial signs were promising: I was the only gringo in the place, and there was even a mariachi band playing. I opened the taco salad when I got back to the coffee shop and was dismayed to see that it was covered in flavorless, green and gloopy "guacamole," a pool of equally flavorless "sour cream," and handfuls of unmelted, shredded cheddar cheese. There was some limp iceberg lettuce buried under the chicken, which tasted like it had come from...Panda Express. I didn't touch the shell, and I guess I should consider myself lucky that I didn't bite into any debris. I felt like 2 bucks after eating, a feeling that would stay with me for the rest of the evening. I think that was the point in the trip when I missed San Francisco the most.

Epoch Coffee: recommended.
Another North Loop establishment, we visited Epoch for some iced coffee and pizza before our parking lot show at Monkey Wrench Books. Epoch has good coffee and offers slices of pizza by a local pizza place whose name I forget. Amanda got the Epoch, which was artichoke and sun-dried tomato, and I got the Buscemi, which was jalapenos, sausage, red peppers, and onions. Good stuff. The crust was thin and the sauce was sweet, and the toppings were generous.

Chick-fil-a: recommended.
On our way out of town, we hit a Chick-fil-a because we really wanted it, and Mark may have died of hunger and thirst (we had just played a brutally hot mid-afternoon show in the parking lot of Monkey Wrench Books). Chick-fil-a is awesome. Not convinced? Two words: waffle fries. You can't go wrong with a Number 1 (saying "deluxe" gets you lettuce and tomato on your sandwich). They also have sweet tea. Yes. I got a milkshake on the way out because it was hot and I have no self control.

The last round of tour jams is on the way. Thanks for reading.

Whole Foods Jam

2008-04-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

Brandy shall not, for now, at least, leap too deeply into the Series of Jams that was The Domino's-Sponsored DS Big Band By Sedan East Coast Blitz Tour de Borscht 2008 but He will share one fine story for starters. Upon arrival in NYC, Brandy and touring drummer/keyboardist Wawa, mildly faded, undoubtedly, wandered towards a LES subway stop in search of a Jam en route to divergent destinations, Wawa, a friend's warm shower, Brandy, the halls of the mighty Guggenheim. A stolid green Whole Foods sign flickered above Houston. Brandy and Wawa ducked in for a Salad Bar Visitation. Brandy, sick of grub from gas stations and fast food establishments, had greenery on the brain, fully intending to redeem half a week's worth of white, fried, processed, and cheese-covered foods in a fantastically healthy emerald sea of vegetable matter. At the same time, Brandy was faded, famished, and fairly inclined to roll hard. It was a conflict of intention. At first, those Better Angels had the advantage as Brandy wandered the parade of bright, shimmering buffets, dropping tong-fulls of lettuce, spinach, red onions, garbanzo beans, olives, and feta into his to-go Jam-Box. He added some shredded chicken, a couple of baked tofu chunks, and a few roasted red peppers. A dust of parm. A scatter of croutons. A splash of oil. A squirt of balsamic. Then, Brandy lost all control. The beast took hold and he went off the chains, roving from bar to bar in full-on Crazed Jammer Attack mode, heaping his salad with salad-inappropriate foods. First came a samosa. Then, another. Why not. And a spring roll. Yes, please. Then, Brandy piled on a few rounds of cheese ravioli. Oh my. And a brace of suspiciously black falafel balls. Why? Because they were there. In the end, when the poor cardboard Jam-box could hold no more, Brandy checked out. The weight exceeded 1.5 pounds. The cost was upwards of 15 dollars. Brandy vanquished his concoction (including even the foul falafel) in the cafe upstairs. He also ate a sizable whole-wheat roll and drank in perhaps three gulps a fancy white tea from the beverage cooler. As Wawa set off for the subway and his friend's domicile, Brandy turned away, exhilarated to have Jammed so vigorously yet simultaenously ashamed to have spent so much money. As punishment, he denied himself subway fare and the opportunity to pay 18 dollars for a museum visit. He retired to the park and sat on a bench with an M. K. Fisher volume, pausing every so often to watch a writhing swarm of funny uniformed schoolchildren shoot hoops.

Cheez-It Crackers are a Total Jam!

2008-04-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Not a Jam

2008-04-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

THE INTERNET - This shit is seriously 90's and/or European. We feel sustainable living but are not so sure about rocking out on food.

Great Moments in Jam History: Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp

2008-03-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

SAN MATEO, Ca - Throwback Shrimp Jam: In late September 2007, Grape, Half, King, and Brandy went to Red Lobster for All-You-Can-Cram Shrimp. Each member of the crew brought strong game but King was on another level entirely. Downing two extremely large margs in swift succession, King turned his attention to the first basket of cheddar biscuits. The boys plowed through gratuitous greenery in the form of ranch-soaked salades as well in anticipation of the arrival of first plates. Their choices limited, by logic (who wants shrimp with "pasta" when you can just have the shrimp?) and rule (obviously, the folks at Red Lobster corporate would not dare float a boiled endless-plate option with so many keen Jammers ready to pounce on a less greasy alternative), to beer-battered shrimps and scampi shrimps, the boys dug in hard and fast, sparing not even the lackluster accompanying sides. King tried to order 20 more shrimp immediately upon the arrival of his second plate. 30 minutes and close to 230 crustaceans later, the towel was thrown in. No one even approached Spot's early 2002 individual record of 101 but nonetheless, shop was wrecked. Half was wishing he'd slipped some into a doggie bag for later. Grape was faded and sluggish. King was grinning, pumping his fists, and chanting a fine club banger that went a little something like this: "Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, shrimp." Brandy subsequently laughed so hard that he peed a small amount and had to excuse himself from the table so as to lightly towel off in the bathroom. The moral of the story? Shrimp = An Amazing Jam. Another Amazing Jam? Beaches and Bridges, the soon-to-be-released killer brand-new Dame Satan album. On the cover of said sweet new disc? Shrimp.

Low Red Land: Tour Jams, Vol. 1

2008-03-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

THE OPEN ROAD, Usa - Low Red Land tours more than most bands we know. Having had the opportunity to experience their road jams in person, we must say that it is quite absurd that these fellas are not all fat as cows. Ben-Jammin, LRL Bassist, GM rep, and JZ corespondent, reporting:

We're lucky enough to be able to travel around the country and play music. We meet lots of cool people, play with some cool bands, and eat our share of good and bad meals. Currently, we're in the middle of a two-week trip to Austin for the renowned industry handjob-fest known as South by Southwest. I am pretty sure that there are more people here in bands than there are people here to see bands. Fortunately, we've met up with several of our friends, both in and out of bands, and the trip has been great. The shows on the way to Austin, and the meals in those towns, were great (for the most part). So, here we go with the first-half recap of the jams I've encountered on this tour. Bon appetit.

San Francisco, CA

Good Frikin' Chicken: recommended.
Since the tour technically started on Wednesday night in San Francisco, I am going to have to chronicle my meal before that show. I went to Good Frikin' Chicken, which, despite the fact that they misspell their name, is awesome. The burps haunt for hours afterwards, making conversation in a crowded bar sometimes awkward, as you attempt to stifle the upwelling of garlic and spices that coat the roasters. It's often better to start a conversation with, "I ate at Good Frikin' tonight, so...I'm sorry." My only real complaint about the place is that they don't give you utensils with your to-go order, which makes eating the macaroni and cheese and salad a bit of a trick. Unless you're Lydia, I guess.

Ritual Coffee: on the fence.
Pro: good coffee, good almond croissants (more fresh than Phil'z but still below Cafe du Soleil), good ham and cheese croissants. Con: pretentious baristas with enough bad attitude to sink a cargo ship carrying skinny jeans and fixed gear bikes. Pardon the tangent, but a fellow jammer stopped in to get a drink and drop off some flyers. When she asked if she could have an iced tea, the reply was, "Yeah, but why would you want that?" She then asked if she could drop off some flyers, and she was told that they "don't support that kind of stuff, and besides, it's bad for the environment." So, what about the flyers in your windows? What about all of the paper cups and cup holders and napkins and receipts you give out and throw away every day? If you're going to be a jerk, don't be so short-sighted and hypocritical. Just shut up and make drinks. Do the pros outweigh the cons? I suppose it depends on the day.

From San Francisco to San Diego, CA

Gas station jams: gallons of water, bananas, the occasional Snickers. It can be incredibly tempting to buy something every time you stop, but you must avoid it for two reasons: 1) you'll become a fatty and 2) you'll become a broke fatty. It's best to stock up on bulk snacks that aren't that bad for you before you embark on your trip. I like bags of Mini-Spooners (generic Frosted Mini-Wheats) and almonds. They keep the hunger down and they've got some decent dietary benefits.

Subway: meh.
A jam non-event, but the only real option near where we stopped for gas. The "Sub of the Day" is a pretty good deal, and even if you're vegetarian, you can usually just order the sub (unless it's tuna or meatball) with all of the veggies and remove the meat. It'll save you less than a quarter, but you're really sticking it to the system.

Dairy Queen: why not?
I have a weakness for ice cream, especially when it's covered in hot fudge and peanuts. Oh, and whipped cream. Remember what I just wrote about not buying something every time you stop? Whoops. We stopped to get an oil change and there was a DQ beckoning me from across the way, saying, "Come pass your time a little more sweetly." I heeded the siren's call and splintered the hull of my mouth boat on the soft-serve rocks. It was only a small sundae. Sue me.

San Diego, CA

Crazy Burger: recommended.
Not bad. After walking around a really shady part of SD for a while, we found ourselves on the outskirts of civilization and in front of this establishment. Fries come sprinkled in parmesan cheese, salad comes with pretty much white iceberg and a few red onions and tomatoes, and the burgers are either rare, medium, or done. The Texas Burger is good but a total rip-off. The only thing "Texas" about it was the barbecue sauce they pooled on the patty, and there's a bottle of the same barbecue sauce at every table. At about a dollar more than the regular burger, this costly mistake is likely only made once. I wonder if they realize how many people order the texas burger and then sit down and curse themselves while looking at the full bottle of barbecue sauce. Still, a relatively cheap and certainly fulfilling meal option.

Coffee shop: recommended, but it doesn't matter because I don't know what it's called.
The coffee was good. There were several tables pulled together and crowded by about 15 or so grown adults talking about the mind and infinity, but not in the interesting, scientific way. More in the "I once had a black light poster and a bong and now I'm old and do tai-chi in the park" kind of way. Entertaining to listen to while you stir in your half-and-half.

Brian's mom's house

I jammed a cold piece of chicken after I got back from my morning run. It was good, tasted like it could have been fried, but looked baked. Turned out it was from Von's, a local grocery store chain. When everyone got up, she made eggs and Pillsbury butter biscuits. I love staying with families.

San Diego to Tucson, AZ

Mini-Spooners and water. It's really dry out there.

Tucson, AZ

Dunkin Donuts: recommended, chowdah.
Growing up on the east coast means growing up with Dunkin Donuts. Their coffee is certainly an experience. With automatic cream settings depending on the size of the coffee you order and more sugar than you'd like to admit, some people may say that it's too sweet or too light to be "real" coffee, but I don't agree. DnD is rare in the west, and doesn't exist at all in California. I think the closest one to us is in Tucson, and we were very excited to roll up on it before the show. One of the perks of tour is drinking this coffee.

Brooklyn Pizza Company: meh.
Young hipster central, slow on the service (if you serve slices of pizza, why not, I don't know, have some pizzas constantly cooking so you can have slices ready?), but better pizza by the slice than I've found in San Francisco. It appears that all of the underage kids go there to drink. I had two slices, one cheese, one with ricotta and pepperoni (I ordered sausage, but I'm told I'm lucky I got pepperoni). For around 5 bucks, it's not a bad deal.

Courtney, Jenna, and Brian's house, post-show

We ate cold, homemade mu-shu pork casserole that disappointed Courtney and Jenna when they made it earlier that night but made Brian, Julie, Jill, and me very happy. The next morning, breakfast was eggs with tomatoes and mushrooms, potatoes, strawberries with mint, sausages, and various pastries. Amazing. Jenna made it all, except for the doughnuts. A total jam.

Tucson, AZ to Albuquerque, NM

Encountering the Jamwich (see previous entry) at a gas station:
Just after consuming a Choco Taco, I noticed that our friend Amanda had purchased a Jamwich. Mark, Neil, and I immediately bought one each and had a contest to see who could eat it the fastest. The Jamwich is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (strawberry or grape) that is sealed like a Hot Pocket. You can find them in the cooler of some of the finer truck stops on the highway. Bleached white bread crimped on all edges conceals a double-layer of peanut butter encasing a deposit of jelly. It tastes almost exactly like it should, except there are no crusts to get in the way of the squishy thickness of the sandwich. The first bite makes you realize that this is not a racing food. The peanut butter and the bread become stickily gelatinous, and I made the mistake of taking two big bites right off the bat. After some effort and concentration on chewing really hard, really fast, and swallowing before I felt I was ready, I made some headway. I actually thought that I could win it, but Mark beat me, and I immediately regretted trying to force so much of the Jamwich down at once. Video of the event can be viewed on the Kyte section of our MySpace page. After eating the Jamwich and feeling full enough, I finished off the rest of Julie's salami, provolone, and olive sandwich just because.

Albuquerque, NM

More Dunkin Donuts. This one makes you put the cream and sugar in yourself, so you are fully aware of how bad it is for you. It's a little disconcerting knowing how much you have to add to make the coffee taste like it normally does, but you suck it up and do it because there's no point in getting Dunkin Donuts coffee if it's not going to taste like it.

NYPD Pizza: recommended.
Last time we were in Albuquerque, our friend Stue recommended we get a fried eggplant and green chile pizza from NYPD. It was awesome, so we did it again. I'm normally not down with eggplant, but this was cut into little strips and lightly fried, so it didn't have that weird texture that typically makes me turn away. The green chiles add a little bit of spice, but nothing big, and really add to the flavor. The crust is thin and the whole thing was delicious.

Stue's house, post-show

Chris, Stue's wife, had prepared a spread for us when we came back from the show. Dates stuffed with parmesan cheese and wrapped in Facon (vegetarian bacon), strawberries with black berries, grapes, various cheeses and crackers. And then came the real bacon. Sweet food from some sweet people.

Round two of the tour jams is coming up shortly, featuring some Texas barbecue and some awful, awful Mexican food. Awful.

Bi Rite Market is a Jam!!

2008-03-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

18TH & GUERRERO, Sf - Friends. Bi Rite market is a total jam. Whether it is artisan cheese, local varietals, free-range chicken, or sustainable farmed fish you desire, Bi Rite has your jam. Their vibe is beyond organic and thus sourcing almost exclusively local. Sorta an important thing to marinate on if we want to think about conserving the jam for future generations. Anyway, resident jammer Grape works there and will hook you up with the best sando on the planet.

"On Your Jam" with Half-Later Vol. 2

2008-03-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

DR. BURRITO

SAN DIEGO, Ca - I met this man, who now goes by Dr. Burrito, shit... probably about 10 years ago in Bostontown. A mutual friend of ours thought it necessary to start a band. The Dr. showed up at my house, we went down to the basement: he with a 60's Fender Mustang and a matching vintage Fender Bassman amp, me with an 80's Les Paul and matching 80's Marshall. We strung some riffs together and decided that starting a band was a good idea indeed. A grand "Deuces Wild" spraypaint piece went up in my basement and the rest... I can't really remember. Anyway, I hadn't heard anything about the good doctor in years when one recent evening I was feeling nostalgic and decided to "Google" him. Turns out, this guy had been researching JamZone's most revered jam: The Burrito. Jammers of the world, I present to you: Dr. Burrito.

1. Who is Dr. Burrito and how did you earn such a title?

I'm just a guy in San Diego, from San Diego, who like many people here loves the burritos. After moving around a bit, I discovered our burritos are like none other. I mean all burritos are similar, so it's the details that are critical. I should have known better because just up the road in San Clemente you have about an 85 percent chance of getting a shitty burrito.

So I began to wonder why this is and there are many reasons, I think, going back to when California was a Mexican territory. I mean, really going back, it's all about the Columbian transfer, but that affects all foods we eat today. Suffice it to say, it's about the people who make the food and San Diego's rich history as a border town, both Mexican and American and something altogether its own.

Oh, to answer your question, my brother's friend works for the local paper's web site and she interviewed me about burritos and called the piece "Dining with Dr. Burrito." I was like, shit, that was easy and I got my Phd!

2. It seems some of your most controversial work involves you pitting San Francisco Burritos against San Diego Burritos. What is the difference?

Yeah, I'm sort of sorry for this, so my answer will be long. See, I didn't realize that everybody in San Fran has a web site. There were two burrito-based web sites that didn't like what I said, which was, "SD burritos are better." Kind of a broad brush stroke, that one, I admit.

The differences are, like I said, details. SD tends to toast the tortilla on the griddle. SF likes the tortilla pliable and moist and often the tortilla is steamed and the burrito stored in tinfoil. Second, SD's burritos are about a few, simple ingredients. I just had a carnitas burrito for lunch: carnitas, guacamole, and cilantro, served with limes and red hot sauce. In SF, that would have had beans and rice and salsa fresca. Probably a healthier burrito but less focused. What San Franciscans describe as "freshness."

And then, it just comes down to the ingredients. Who is making their carne asada out of lean skirt steak? Who knows how to really make carnitas? Whose chile verde is pungent and piquant just like your grandma used to make? For the most part, the staples of the Mexican-American kitchen are what make a good burrito and I've found them to be better down here, generally speaking.

Having said that, there are awesome burritos in SF and they must be respected in their own context. SF has a rich Mexican history as well and was the de facto capital of the California territory after Monterey.

3. You must jam to live. What is your jam today?

There's this Jackie McLean/Ornette Coleman jam, I think it's Old Gospel. It's really good, especially on a sunny day like today.

Oh, if I may, and Joni Mitchell's album Blue is my other jam. Kind of opposite sides of the coin that is today.

4. What is your Spirit Jam-Animal?

The coyote.

5. Do you like Deuces Wild?

Yes. They are really good, and if you disagree, well, hey, that's your right. This is America. You are free to have terrible taste.

EXCLUSIVE MP3 Audio of some classic Deuces Wild Tracks from their debut album: The Mongolian Falconer:

La Senoles Robustos

Organ Song

The Odyssey

A Jam So Fast and Easy It's Like My Man Eddie Van Eating a Taco While Tapping Out a Solo

2008-03-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

NOPA, Sf - Sometimes you just got home from work but you did not buy any groceries for a while and you have three slices of bread and a bit of olive oil sitting in a little puddle in a pan on the stove – and that's all. There is a tomato sauce container in the refrigerator. It is a little greenish whitish on top – do you think it is still good underneath that fuzz? No man, do not think about that. Hurry up Jeopardy! is on the TV! You need something to jam on five minutes ago!

Does this nightmare scenario make your skin crawl and your stomach shed acid tears? NO. It shouldn't because fortunately you possess the ingredients for a highly expedient and delicious jam. Drizzle the rest of that olive oil onto a slice of bread. Sprinkle liberally with salt. Done. JAMZONE for $2000, ALEX.

Do you like to kick things up a notch like Emeril? I bet you have a little dried sweet basil in your spice rack. Throw it on there. From afar your great grandmother grins and lets out a quiet shout: MOLTO BENE!

"On Your Jam" with Half-Later Vol. 1

2008-03-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

JOHNNY "GOODVIBES" SHEDS

SACRAMENTO, Ca - I met Johnny a few years ago and it occurred to me immediately that this guy was no fool to the jam. I was most impressed with the skill and grace he exudes while leading a beer-jam. Post rockshow beer-jams at Che Sheds in Sacto are slow and steady and never without snacks. It is my pleasure and honor to introduce Johnny "GoodVibes" Sheds to the jamworld as the first installment of my new interview column.

1. What is Colorado Kool-Aid?

Well, it's a can of Coors brewed from a mountain stream.
It'll set you head on fire an' make your kidneys scream,
Oh, it sure is fine "Jam".

2. Do you like Bean Dip?

No, I love it. A classic "jam" and one that most everyone has had a truly holy "jamming" experience with. Bean dip unites friend and foe. I highly recommend the "cheese helmet w/ bloody crown" method along with a sixer of "Lil dude" Colorado Kool-Aid's anytime you "Jam" bean dip.

3. Is it important for aspiring rockers to "Jam" regularly? And, does the "Jam" effect the music you create?

Great question. The "Jam" is an essential part of rocking and yes it can effect the music you create. A bad "Jam" can lead to truly awful, uninspired rock but, a bomb "Jam" can take you to all new levels. "Jam" to rock, rock to "Jam".

4. Who is your inspirational jammer? (i.e. Grandfather, School chum, Heathclif Huxtable, Cartoon Character, Pet etc.)

I would have to say without a doubt, Garfield. That cat can "Jam" somethin' fierce. Lasagna "Jams" for days.

5. Are "Good Vibes" important in a jamming context?

"Good Vibes" are an essential part of "jamming". Share the "jam" and spread the vibes.

Peace.

Johnny and his Jammer wife Cait make great music.
They call themselves Two Sheds.

Faux Gulch Jam: A Personal Jamoire

2008-03-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - I moved from the Mission to Chinatown. Far from being a lateral move jamwise, it has actually represented a significant fall in fortune, with uninspired jams abounding. Live birds, cooked birds with their pointy bits still attached, and dried lizards are the kind of Extreme Adventure jams I would be willing to party with at least once. Clearly, these exciting jams are being enjoyed in the home, prepared with care by the ladies who simultaneously buy vegetables and chill extremely hard on Stockton street. In commercial establishments, however, these options are either not on the menu, or (racialist-ly) not on the menu for me. Instead we get the ubiquitous bok choi, sopping listlessly in broth. Additionally the pork bun, with its friends the egg tart and sesame ball, the kind of things that can take away your will to jam for several hours after ingestion. The eponymous jam from The Pot Sticker is adequate; Sam Wo is okay but not necessarily a "multiple visit per week" jam in the style of beloved El Metate. Nanking is a true jam but there is some chemical involved in its preparation that brings one into a Long Dark Teatime of the Soul after. The list of Chinese jams that don't get results is long. Maybe this is a personal thing. For me, the dark horse Chinatown jams hail from Vietnam, with Golden Flower, Golden Lotus, and one other golden thing i can't remember, roundly trouncing their neighbors from the North.

The dearth of jams in our neighborhood, bringing to mind the old adage about "water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink" has led us to many satisfying, quality jams in the Loin and environs. So-called "Polk Gulch," already a major contender in SF dining simply due to the presence of Cordon Bleu therein, is packed with jams. However, I am not here to talk about them, but to relay news of a deeply Faux Jam Experience delivered at the careless, beefy hands of the people from Mykonos Restaurant.

Mykonos has played the siren to my Odysseus on several occasions, with its whiteboard out front announcing the advent of a rabbit stew (kouneli stifado), an exceedingly rare jam and kind of a jam without peer. This annunciation indicated the presence of a Greek somewhere in or near a managerial position which, I had hoped, might raise this eatery up from the realm of the mediocre blanket "Mediterrannean" jam to an authentic jam with a modicum of national pride. What I found instead was a shit sandwich wrapped in a Greek flag, which robbed us with fourteen dollar entrees and poisoned us with filthy pork gristle stuck on a stick masquerading as souvlaki. What I found was one tomato wedge and a circle of red onion atop lettuce, accompanied by an olive and some bottled Italian dressing, calling itself a Greek Salad. What one needs from the Greek is theXoriatiki Salata (meaning "village salad" and when prepared correctly, the last word in simple orgasmic jams) and particularly for seven dollars, is this:

In a place that trumpets its hardcore Greek status with posters of the Herodeon:

pictures of that fucking pelican on Mykonos

Nemean wines and so on, what I don't want on my meze platter is a goddamned falafel (and a shitty, beleaguered falafel nonetheless, tasting as if it had made the journey all the way from its region of origin). What I don't want is watery yogurt from the Turkish cacik family, instead of real strained tzatziki the texture of spackle. Lest you think I'm being some sort of racist ethnic douche-jammer, let me point out that my dining companion, let's call him Crock Pot, who has never jammed in the cradle of democracy, also thought the experience was utterly faux. The bill: fifty-some dollars, prohibiting further jams for more than a week. For that money you could get a decent selection of appetizers at Kokkari, truly the finest (maybe the only) in Greek dining but sadly hella expensive. When Benjammin starts selling chron and collaborating with Bright Eyes, I would like us all to go there.

Next: the chicken and the ladies of Yong San

Finally,

A Classic

2008-03-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

I Would Demolish about 5 Imperial Rolls Right Now

2008-03-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - The following chat took place around 1:30 pm on March 10, 2008 and represents preemptive jamming at it's finest:

KING: dude
this taco truck near me
serves up the best CHO
its nice and tender and sweet
you gotta come jam and chill one day at the store
GRAPE: no doubt
KING: for now, grab a carnitas torta
that is a total bomb
you 'll be full forever
GRAPE: fucked with that indian
KING: yeah i was thinking about hitting that last night or this morning
but didn't
GRAPE: thanks
KING: too jammy for 9am anyway
GRAPE: above the rim
KING: but I'm gonna need to rejam before
the airport
GRAPE: tacos
KING: already had 4
GRAPE: thai
torta number 2
indian reprise
Jerusalem!
KING: yep that would be ideal
but too far
GRAPE: Cordon
Blue
KING: that's actually pretty cool
Cordon Bleu would be epic right now
a number 5, thank you!
then nap
GRAPE: plus a #2
KING: yeah
what about the #10?
two 5's back to back!
GRAPE: someone orders an #11
a 5
two 3's
completely jammed out
KING: yep
lets hit up Cordon Blue one night next week
and take pics
GRAPE: down
put it on the jamzone
calling all jammers
KING: yeah
send out a bulletin

Soon Jammers, we will flock to Cordon Bleu at Polk and California and stuff face.

The Jamwich, What?!?!

2008-03-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

JAMVILLE, USA - Honestly, the Jamzone is about good vibes but we also recognize this cosmic connection we have with the American people, like we are some sorta jam dictators. This shit is for real.

"Pierre(TM) makes the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich easy, convenient and profitable--in vending machines!

PB Jamwich® from Pierre Foods is a crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a refrigerated shelf life of 7 days, and it's priced to sell. Available in grape and strawberry, PB Jamwich is a winning item for your vending business, offering high volume turns, solid profit margins and low waste. Plus PB Jamwiches have 0g trans fat!

These PB&J sandwiches aren't child's play. Bright, attention-grabbing graphics and a large, rectangular shape that fills the package make PB Jamwich stand out. It's great for lunch, breakfast or a mid-day snack--for both adults and kids of all ages.

With zero crust, 7 days refrigerated shelf life (9 months frozen), a suggested vend price of $1.00, and attractive, convenient packaging, PB Jamwich is sure to be a big success in vending machines. It's all in the numbers!

Pierre PB Jamwich varieties include:

Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly on White Bread
Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam on White Bread

Pierre Foods, Inc. is a leading value-added protein and sandwich manufacturer. The company's nationally recognized brands include Pierre(TM) brand fully cooked meats, sandwiches and appetizers; Blue Stone Grill(TM), Big Az® and Big A(TM) Angus sandwiches; Fast Choice® popular-priced hot and deli sandwiches; Fast Bites® value-priced line; and Hot 'n' Ready® sandwich program.

For more product and sales information, contact Pierre Foods, Inc., 9990 Princeton Road, Cincinnati, Ohio 45246; 1-800-969-2747; www.pierrefoods.com."

We are certainly not a corporate blog but would take some serious cash if offered.

Jam on!

Profiles in Jamming: Heathcliff Huxtable

2008-03-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

BROOKLYN, Ny - Whether sneaking a personal paella in his office or doing some aggressive prelim snacking on the dessert cake, one of my all time favorite celebrity jammers has got to be Dr. Huxtable. He displayed a fearless commitment to salt, hoagies, and most anything to do with jamming. If only we could all be so focused. . .

(click here ---->) The Dream Jam

Speaks for itself, really. Bon appetit,

-Greens

Calling All Free-Lance Jammers

2008-02-29T14:06:00.000-08:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - Apologies for the lack of recent posts. It's obvious that the JAM is getting in the way of our reporting here at the Zone. When you dedicate most of your waking hours to the logistics of the JAM (hauling supplies, canvassing local buffets, monitoring cattle futures) there's only so much time for posting. The other day we tried to Jam and post, and now there is wing sauce between the computer keys. So we've decided to hire an intern.

This is basically an unpaid position. Your grand responsibility would be to help us balance our JAM-heavy lifestyles with our duties to this site. For example, if we were jamming hard (perhaps installing a deep fryer in our kitchen while downing skewered lamb) you might have to help us out with posts, editing, and other JamZone-related matters.

Likewise, one day we'll probably just send you up the street for a tray of tacos. Or you might have to participate in one of our weekly JZ-sponsored events. Such as next week's "How Much Popeyes" challenge.

Requirements: Elementary computer skills. Internet connection. Impressive GI capacity. Solid internals. No food allergies (complicates our monthly MYSTERY JAM).

If you feel up for it, simply leave your name, e-mail, and your top three SF Jams in the comments section...

Get Completely

2008-02-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

STUFFED!!! Yo jammers, it's a new year and this blog is going to be poppin off like what?!?! Check out our jam pals at Ghost Mansion as they literally jammed heaps of El Metate and then jammed on their instruments.

Jamming to Music

2007-11-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - Benjammin went on assignment and searched through his record collection to bring you this detailed report on music and the jams they evoke.

-"White 1," "White 2," and "Flight of the Behemoth," by sunn0))): slow-roasting a pork shoulder and watching it the whole time
-Anything by Lynyrd Skynyrd (except "that smell"): plowing through a whole bucket of fried chicken by yourself
-"Isa," by Enslaved: eating grimly cold ice cream too fast and getting a totally kvlt headache
-"Prowler in the Yard," by Pig Destroyer: gnawing on some sweet pork ribs
-"1000 hurts," by shellac: punishing some chicago links
-"The Creek Drank the Cradle," by Iron and Wine: quietly eating box after box of cookies
-"Reign in Blood," by Slayer: shredding shredded wheat
-"When Forever Comes Crashing," by Converge: killing and preparing a chicken
-"Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious," by Chris Burke: psyching up for some seriously fun jamming
-anything by Bright Eyes: not jamming, so you can fit into those really small pants that you wear

Oooh Snap. Yeah Bright Eyes, stop by our residence and jam next time you come through town. Oh that's right, you will probably be too busy not rocking riffs and trying to jam garden salads with baked tofu.

Jamming in the Years, Part I: Preschool Jam

2007-10-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - Days spent nurturing young minds have taught Brandy many important lessons. The biggest is that nobody parties as hard as little kids. Even without frothy golden draught, sweet leaf, and acrid white powder to intensify their spirits, preschool shorties will still out-rage any party of adult pub-crawlers, wringing absurd joys from bizarre fantasy games, unspectacular playground equipment, and countless instances of clowny circumstance that cannot materialize for those of us with fully developed nervous systems.

In addition, Brandy has learned that little kids eat with the best of them*. At the high-end San Francisco preschool where Brandy earns his scratch, the tiny Jammers-in-training grub at least 6 times a day. When they arrive, usually between 7:30 and 9:30 in the morning, they often eat a small breakfast, this in itself often preceded by another breakfast. Indeed, many children do half a breakfast at home, and the rest later, once they stumble through the classroom door, sobbing, clinging to an exasperated parent's leg, round mewling faces the mottled crimson of overripe peppers. Common choices are handfuls of Cheerios, bananas, peanut-butter-and-jelly sandos, and mini-bagels. They will munch again close to 10:00 when the class sits down for a civilized snack. Typical menu possibilities include cheese/crackers, bananas, orange pieces, raisins, and Cheerios. They drink milk, juice, or water at this juncture. After another hour or so of saying really weird shit at inappropriate times, running around like banshees both indoors and outdoors, and recklessly jumping off of anything they're capable of climbing onto (all to the soundtrack of the wretched children's music Brandy changes whenever they'll let him), the wee snappers will be faded and stoked to fill their pie-holes once again. Lunch goes off a bit before 12:00. The children bring their own Jams in gigantic futuristic lunchboxesque contraptions. These being the progeny of at least minorly moneyed San Francisco, they tend to dial in some fairly plum Jams at this point in time. One kid might roll furiously on a thermos of gnocchi/pesto, some kiwi pieces, sliced ham, and a sweet plastic tube of gaudy Yoplait. Another might get down with a cream-cheese-and-cucumber micro-sando, organic string cheese, mixed berries, and a roll or two of leftover takeout sushi. In any event, this is their most epic Jam of the day to which Brandy has the pleasure of bearing witness. A few of the little ones are fussy eaters with weak appetites. For example, there's this two year-old boy who only eats alphabet-shaped crackers. Every day, his mother pours 600 calories of protein powder into his sippy cups of milk so he won't waste away entirely. Thankfully, most tuck into their goodies with a positively feral gusto. By the conclusion of lunch, the junior Jammers have made huge staggering messes of themselves and the tables, chairs, and floor. Creamed corn encircles a miniature mouth like a slimy gold goatee. Grape jelly spills in spidery patterns across a pristine white shirt. After lunch, a blessedly lengthy nap-time ensues. After nap, a few more installments of crackers, yogurt, Cheerios, and so on. They Jam all day. And when their parents come through to take them home, they're already screaming for dinner.

Watching these young'uns eat, Brandy is reminded of his own adolescent Jamming habits, the staggering volume of foodstuffs he'd put away each day in order to avoid collapsing from fatigue. That is another story altogether, one that will serve as center-piece for the second part of the Jamming Through the Years series but, for now, it's obvious striking parallels exist -- namely the fact that rapidly growing young people, whether they be tots, tykes, or teens, must crush ungodly amounts of food to sustain physical and mental development. American children between the ages of two and four weigh on average between 30 and 40 pounds. After weighing the lunches and snacks of three non-obese children for a week (and then subtracting from that average daily weight the collective weight of food left uneaten), Brandy further estimates a typical preschooler consumes more than half the amount of food in a day that an active blue-state-based male adult of reasonably meager proportions might take down. Brandy -- a hearty Jammer but svelte at 6 feet tall and 155 pounds -- of course, weighed his own meals for a week to provide a generous basis for comparison. The verdict: When it comes to quantity, pound for pound, the little Jammers have us smoked like a strip of jerky. Quantity, however, is obviously not the only criteria experts like us use in defining Jammer excellence. The quality of a Jammer's choices come into play as well. While the youngsters might pillage ice cream and other "treats" on the weekends with the approval of permissive parents, Brandy, an adult and true gastro-guerrilla, answers to no authority, spends his own damn money, and reestablishes supremacy with aggressive burrito feasts, heaping ranch-drenched Serrano's slices, and gallons of Pabst. Little kids can't even really stomach high levels of spice or grease, two towering pillars of most Jams worth their salt. Brandy's experiences facilitating their bathroom habits support this assertion. Children may enjoy their food but they consume large amounts more out of necessity born of instinct than sheer gluttony. Can a Jam go down any other way? It's a fair question to ask. The JamZone Jammers, on the other hand, are not growing, at least not in the same way. They Jam with similar dedication but purely for the sake of the Jam, digging into choice slop just because it's there and they can -- and fight subsequent indigestion and gut expansion with bike rides, gym hoops, and morning runs -- so as to stay proud, be healthy, and keep the Jam alive for yet another day. I look forward to further vigorous discussion of these and other subjects in future segments. Stay tuned for Part II.

* Please note that the author of this post is very aware of our world hunger tragedy. For the purposes of this article, "children" are American and privileged enough to have parents capable of providing them with all the wholesome organic Jammables they might desire. There's nothing funny about starving kiddos so they have no place on JamZone.

Jam Zone's Favorite Mexican Meal

2007-09-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - Resident Jamzone correspondents take a stand on what is their favorite Mexican meal. Having resided in SF for more than 5 years, we feel like we have a pretty good read on what makes an amazing Mexican feast. Here for your lusting eyes are our personal favorites:

BRANDY

Chicken shreds stewed in green chile sauce in a burrito accompanied by a chili relleno.

KING

Chili verde on top of rice. good chips and salsa. Flan. And a stoplight of aguas frescas (honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelon).

HALF-LATER

Roadsides.
Trifecta perfecta.
carne, chorizo, pollo

BENJAMMIN

i can't really pin down my favorite mexican meal. prawn enchiladas are great; chile verde tacos and chile verde in a burrito with rice, black beans, salsa, guacamole, and sour cream; fish burritos and fish tacos with lime; carnitas quesadilla with guacamole, salsa, and sour cream; cantaloupe, watermelon, and strawberry agua frescas; horchata; pollo con chile rojo tacos

GREENS

Metate - two tacos. One verde, straight up, the other fish with guacamole and lime. Add raddishes. And I'm certainly with Pat on the flight of drinks, but I'm gonna go with Pineapple agua fresca, horchata, and a bottled Mexi-Coke. For dessert I'll skip the flan and head straight for a choco-taco, which, though decidedly non-mexican, are unbelievable jams.

GRAPE

Super Fish Burrito, pinto beans, no sour cream at EL METATE period.

WTF, Buffalo Roast?

2007-07-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - I was in Monatana, spending cash like a hooker after Halloween, and I impulsively bought an ambiguous buffalo roast (unmarked, but looked like a top round or some shit like that), as buffalo meat is a wickedly jammy jam. Following the classic jamming beef roasting technique of slowly decreasing the temp. as the meat approaches 135 (MR), things were looking great. We pulled the old girl out of the oven when she hit 135, let 'er sit for a minute, then dug in. Unfortunately, it was like trying to eat a fucking dish towel. That shit was hella tough and bad. So, as any jammer would do in this situation, I closed myself in a dark room and did some serious thinking (and jammed about 40 bags of cheetos and 70 vernor's ginger ales).

Having struggled to return from that desperate and dark hour of no jam, I have now come up with a solution. What we need to consider is that buffalo meat is very lean, so it does not have the fat that a beef roast has which incorporates into the meat during roasting resulting in a tender finish. Thus, we need to influence tenderization ourselves. And the answer?! Brine the bitch! Brining, or soaking the meat in salt water prior to cooking results in dominatingly moist roasted jams. The reason? Well, it's science, fools. The saltwater enters the cells of the meat during the soak, and denatures some proteins, creating higher solvent quantities inside the cells than outside. This imbalance entices juices to enter the cells (via osmosis) during cooking, and keeps your meat wet and soft during the roasting process. Meat soft = Jam hard.

This process is great for most roasts, not solely Buffalo - Chicky, Turkey, Beef, etc. and the salt:water ratio and brine time are dependent on the size of your jam, and on how salty you want that shit.

So before you cook your next buffalo roast, soak it for a couple of days in something like this:

1.5 quarts water
1/4 cup kosher salt
one head of garlic, cut in half
a bit of sugar if desired (unnecessary, but nice for a bit of sweetness
infused into the meat)

Bam!! Now that's a Jam. Comment with any personal touches you have added to a brine.

Ice Cold, Yes Please

2007-06-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Have You Ever Been Out-Jammed?

2007-06-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

I just looked in the mirror
Things aren't looking so good
I'm looking California
And feeling Minnesota

The grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shitting
I'm feeling that I'm sober
Even though I'm drinking

It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling out[jammed]*

*words by C. Cornell

Jam Zone Roundtable Dish: Fried Non-Meats

2007-06-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

SANFRANCISCO, Ca - Two weeks ago the Jamzone brought you an enticing round table discussion about condiments. This week we embark on a fantastic voyage to the land of Fried Non-Meats. Residing in San Francisco, there is a sect of people who only jam non-meats and we will doft our hats every so lightly in their direction when in fact this jam is immersed in simmering oil.

So here we go friends, what fried non-meats really get it going?

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GREENS

Let me say only three words about non-meat fried jams: Jalepeno Poppers. Believe.

BRANDY

Non-Meat Fried Jams:

Fried Mushrooms
Fried Pickles (aka Frickles)
Hush Puppies
Waffle-cut Fries
Fried Twinkies

BENJAMMIN

Savory, non-meat, fried jams:

Sweet potato fries
Jalapeno poppers (seconded)
Fried mushrooms (seconded)
Hush puppies (seconded)
Tempura vegetables
Mozzarella sticks
Fried (non-meat) ravioli

Sweet, non-meat, fried jams:

Fried oatmeal creme pies
Fried twinkies
Fried ring dings
Fried oreos
Doughnuts

Has anyone here actually fried ice cream before?

GRAPE

I did once devour a fried Mars bar in Ireland, that shit was insane. Oh and fried zucchini is almost unstoppable. Seasoned fries are amazing as well, maybe add some vegan chili and cheese and really get after it.

CORNDOG

I have to second the fried zucchini as perhaps the best fried non-meat, although a Dinosaur BBQ Fried Green Tomato is some sick shit.

GREENS

FGT's are off the hook, but I think Grape is on it with the Mars bars. I had one of those jams over in Scotland and it blew my mind. I haven't yet tried oatmeal cream pies and the like, but I have heard rumors that Rolos are about as fierce as it gets when dipped in the fat-bubbler.

===================================================

Whether your non-meat jam be sweet, savory, or somewhere in between, know that we the Jam Zone will always !BE THERE! for a non-meat jam when it is fried and maybe even served with some awesome sauce. You know what, even a good ole fashioned salad jams as well but only when served a la Cobb with homeys bleu cheese, bacon, grilled chicken, avocado, sittin on chrome.

Any non-meat jams you have devoured and would like to share with the general public? Then stop being afraid and comment.

WHAT ?!?!!

2007-06-24T01:55:00.001-07:00

Yo,

We know, the jamzone was dormant for a week. We will return on Monday with some absolute fire. In the meantime, comment about everything or write something for our blog and we will post it. Otherwise, you do not have to much to jam off about.

Respect

Profiles in Jamming: BRANDY

2007-06-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

POTRERO FLATS, Sf - When asked to comment on his favorite Mexican dish, Brandy went completely off:

"I'm taking El Farolito's boiled chicken but I'm giving it a good long dunk in the Pancho Villa green chile sauce before it ends up on my burrito. I'll take El Metate's rice, plus a straight ripe avocado from anywhere reputable (no old-ass guac for me) and pinto beans from anywhere, and add the grilled vegetables from Papalote's and a chopped fried-and-cheese-filled chile relleno from Taqueria San Francisco. For splashing sauces, I'll have El Farolito's green and Papalote's delicious orangey-red. The tortilla can be from anywhere but it has to be big and pliant. I will take it to Ali Baba's on Valencia and have them grill it up on them coals so its crispy on outside prior to my first bite. Or I will take it to Punjab and have them fry it hard as shit. Either way I'll have flour chips from El Metate on the side along with those great splashing sauces and Cholula and the green habanero mind-fuck sauce. To drink, one pineapple-melon agua fresca, ice-water, and one very cold 24 oz can of Budweiser. For dessert, I will have a York Peppermint Patty and two 40's, one taped to each hand. I will record my meal with some close bullet mics on either side of my mouth and a few big old condensers for the rest (and room/street ambience) and have it played back in stereo on large speakers with live mixing by Grape, with it all running through a Boss d-6 delay with Half Later twiddling the nobs . So the whole time I am eating I will listen to myself eat. And then I'll cheer. And then I'll be hearing myself cheer. And why not -- I'll be getting a bj too. That is my jam."

Enjoy your weekend jammers.

"911 We Have an Emergency"

2007-06-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

ANYWHERE, USA - You are fatigued, desperately in need of a Snickers or a can of Dew. Famished, you collapse on Main street, mumbling to any passerby, "can you help me?" Suddenly out of the blue a JMT (Jam Medical Technician) rolls up in Snackcident Prevention van, and drops in you an IV of Grape Soda and stuffs your mouth with a sugarized trail mix replete with chocolate covered gummy bears, Reeses Cups, crushed Oreos, and Nerds.

It's great to know that no matter where you are in need of a snack, a JMT is somewhere on the streets ready to assist you in your darkest hour.

Oh did Jerusalem Jam

2007-06-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

BETHLEHEM - The Bible calls to light many miraculous jams. Need we recall the story of Jesus feeding thousands of non-believers fresh fish and water when only originally supplied with a paucity of baskets and the obvious, water into wine. The Old Testament however regales us with stories of unthinkable jams. Resident jammer Greens reports:

"King Solomon jammed and jammed hard. Note below the list of daily provisions for his palace. Now, if I were Solomon, I'd be thinking stock. I'd throw one of each of those bitches in a cauldron (except the fatted fowl, which I'd stuff and slow roast), add some water, and boil that shit down for a god damned month until I had about 2 mason jars of punishing stock. With the daily rations provided, I'd have enough daily liquid gold to fucking soak myself in each night before I retired to my chambers to dominate the queen and tons of other chicks with my incredible good looks and meat-infused dong. Or, I'd just roast everything with some onions and olive oil and call it a day. Either way, nightly jam-feasting would occur.

Here's a direct quote 'and Solomon's provision for one day was thirty measures of fine flour, and threescore measures of meal, ten fat oxen, and twenty oxen out of the pastures, and an hundred sheep, beside harts*, and roebucks, and fallow deer, and fatted fowl.'

*a male deer, commonly of the red deer

Now there seems to be a discrepancy here. In another segment of I King, the King and the folks from Israel sacrifice 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep for peace. Now, I did the calculations and, assuming they sacrifice the pasture oxen (as their leaner physiques would make for less delicious roasts), that's 1,100 days worth of oxen and 1,200 days worth of sheep. Now, unless by sacrifice they mean cook in verde sauce and jam hard, this sounds like a pretty big time sacrifice."

Thank you Greens for your chaste words introducing readers to Biblical jams. We would certainly concur that throughout the Old and New Testament there were record jams and again, need we mention what went down when Jesus entered the picture. And now we close with an old proverb:

"May you be protected in all your jams, may you feast well and often, and may never a day pass without solemn devotion to that which gives us life and sustenance."

Profiles in Jamming: Benjammin Vs. Tacos

2007-06-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

LATE WINTER, Sf - Benjammin finishes off an absurd amount of tacos with glaring determination that is more suited for combat or ripping notes. What is witnessed can only be that of a master showing true confidence in his abilities to out-jam anyone. It's a state of consciousness not recommended without proper training and certainly not easily attained.

Greens bears testiment. "Throughout the competition, Jammin' maintained an unfaltering stoic deadpan that was beyond intimidating. It said, 'eat another one, Steve, I dare you.'"

Months later we caught up with Jammin as he finished off the impossibly denied jam of El Metate and asked him to recall the events that transpired that evening.

JamZone: Jammin, can you recall how many tacos were initially cooked?
Jammin: 100 tacos were cooked initially, with 30 or so additional tacos cooked once things got serious.
JZ: Wow, seems pretty serious from the beginning. Must have been am impossible challenge from the start. So we have to ask, what was going through your head when you saw a vast ocean of beef and fried shell?
J: "I am going to eat more tacos than anyone else here."
JZ: Jamming can certainly be simply a frame of mind. Was there ever a moment when you thought, shit, this an impossible jam?
J:Never.
JZ: And for the record, what was your total taco count?
J: 25.5 tacos, plus half of a forkful of beef fat that I spread on top of the last half-taco to psych out my competition.
JZ: That is both disgusting and amazing and we applaud your feat of food prowess. How did you feel when the room declared you unequivocally the taco eating champion?
J: Unsurprised.
JZ: And we are not surprised. Champion jammers are generally humble about their eating exploits. Are there other jams you would like to conquer?
J: Any and all. Especially if they are delicious jams.
JZ: We concure. If you could do it again, would you choose chile verde from El Metate instead?
J: I am going to go with "no," but only if it's followed by "duh."

A true winner on all levels, Jammin is a consistant jammer who has skillfully demonstrated his concentrated reserve while flexing his taco might and, having completed this task, we the jamzone declare Benjammin the unofficial taco eating champion of San Francisco. He will challenge anyone within driving distance to a taco eating battle royale, so who wants to get whooped on? But seriously folks, we have been there for the Indian buffets and In N Out trips and we are telling you now, he rips food.

Jam Zone Roundtable Dish: Condiments

2007-06-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - "Sugar, salt, and pepper are considered by some to be the most essential condiments." This coming from someone who has obviously never really topped off his/her breakfast sando, 6 pc. wings, order of fries, pizza crust, two pieces of bread, or tacos with one of many incredible condiments that make up the canon of flavor enhancement we all know and love.

With summer, the unofficial condiment season, upon us, we set out to once and for all settle the age old question of which is in fact the best condiment out there.

Resident jammers, Ben-Jammin, Greens, Brandy, King, and our newest member Corndog all weighed in, now let's get down to it....

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BENJAMMIN

Barbecue sauce trumps ketchup. Bleu cheese trumps ranch. Both ketchup and ranch have their place, as ketchup and mayo on a burger is splendid and ranch on fried green tomatoes is also a jam.

Frank's Red Hot, or buffalo sauce in general, is likely the most versatile condiment.

Underrated condiments: horseradish mayo and tartar sauce. Some might say that tartar sauce is for the plebes, but let's be serious...it combines with lemon to make your fish and chips better.

For my french fries, give me vinegar, give me barbecue sauce, give me buffalo sauce, give me anything to scoop up. French fries are just a vehicle for condiments.

Condiment question: where do salsa and guacamole belong? Are they of the dip family or are they true condiments?

BRANDY

I'm pretty into condiments. The best condiments either allude to or actually contain other condiments as major ingredients. I speak of tartar sauce, bbq sauce, etc. I also like it when a sandwich is sauced with a variety of condiments with a fine affinity for one another. When I talk about condiments I am usually talking about what makes a sandwich and whatever comes on side tasty. Mayo-catsup-mustard is the Holy Trinity. Good for bread, cheese, meat (turkey or chicken or fish in my case), fries, rings, or whatever. I hated sweet relish for ages but one day I jammed a sandwich with it in concert with mayo-catsup-Sriracha and I lost my mind. Sriracha is my favorite and most feared condiment. It tastes good as hell but it takes possession of whatever it is you're eating. It tastes so good you're compelled to put it on everything and you jam with gusto but, at the same time, while everything does taste great to you, it's all the same -- you're addicted to the uniformity of flavor. Soon it goes on everything from pizza to burritos to eggs to bloody mary mixes and you can't really handle eating anything without it. I've eaten it on slice after slice of white bread before and been completely incapable of stopping. That's when you have to detox for a little while and literally refuse to look at it in stores when you're shopping. For the record, I'm on that tip currently.

Re: guac, etc. Guacamole is a condiment if its on a sandwich and excellent with a turkey and swiss vibe. It's a dip if some womenfolk be dipping baked lays and carrots into it and talking about shoes. It is a jam if it is on some beans, rice, salsa, onions, and cheese and meat wrapped in a huge flour tortilla and rolled up. Salsa I never fuck with aside from Mexican really.

GREENS

Let me throw this out there:

Major Grey Mango Chutney. Give me a fucking pile of yellow curry chicken on rice, slam about 6 cups of Major Gray on top, and you have a monster jam.

Now, as far as the classics are concerned, mustard is king on burgers, unless we are talking the all time classic, the Alpine Burger (swiss cheese, grilled mushrooms, bacon), then BBQ is necessary to power the jam. Tabasco is king for anything Mexican, and mayo can be nice when used in strict moderation, but is usually not my jam.

Here are a few things to think about:

Honey mustard?
Stoneground mustard?
SPICY CHINESE MUSTARD?!
Classic yellow?

KING

McDonald's sweet and sour sauce is very dear to me.

And any thousand island type shit (In-N-Out's) is rocking...

CORNDOG (newest jammer)

First of all...Tabasco over Tapatio? I think not. Tapatio is the jam for all things Mexican. How about some Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce that you get in Chinatown? That shit is a jam condiment on all things Asian, as well as on some Kraft Mac and Cheese.

Blend of A-1, Ketchup, Grey Poupon, and a bit of mayo is pretty sick. Thoughts?

BRANDY

Hot Sauces: Tabasco is a hard sell. It adds heat but no flavor. Fine for adding some minor "zing" to a batch of deviled eggie-weggs but ill-suited for the doctoring up of dishes immediately prior to consumption. In my opinion I don't like the watery vinegar vibe. Will only use it if nothing else is available. Sriracha aside, Tapatio is good. However, I do actually prefer Cholula as a basic splashing sauce of reasonable heat and complexity. That neon green habanero shit they have at El Metate is the next level.

Mustards: I have no major stance here. I opt for that Poupon more often than not but that is largely out of habit as I grew up with it. I don't usually do spicy mustard as any place mustard goes on my plate is already likely to be saturdated with Srirachi or Cholula. Yellow mustard is aight too. I usually do just a little mustard on a sandwich if any at all.

Generally-speaking, mayo + sweet + acidity + spice + smoke flavoring = Delivers Jam Results

Oh shit -- I almost forgot. My favorite left-field condiment of all time is plum sauce, that which one would receive alongside white pancakes in an order of mu shu something from a mainstream Chinese eatery. Sticky, incredibly sweet, and full of msg. I don't know what else to put it on besides fried rice or grilled chicken or whatever, but it is good.

BENJAMMIN

Cholula > Tapatio > Tabasco, though Cholula and the tap are close, and Tabasco is way behind.

I second Pat's In-N-Out thousand-islandy condiment love.

Another underrated condiment: fish sauce. Bun dishes at Vietnamese restaurants are nothing without it.

I nearly forgot peanut sauce. That stuff jams hard. Really hard.

I haven't ever really gotten into the condiment combinations. I'm sure there are some delicious amalgamations. Mayonnaise seems to be a key factor in the mix.

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So there you have it folks. Jamzone gives an aggressive thumbs up to Peanut Sauce and Tapatio. Thousand Islo is a TKO. Sriracha is intoxicating and amazing on pretty much anything. Guac, like all sauces being utilized for dipping morphs into an amazing condiment the moment it is applied atop any appropriate jam ie. a sando or a burrito and is pretty damn good all the time. Lastly, with all that said, a re-circulating theme among our resident jammers is that standing quietly among them all might be the most humble of the King condiments, that being Sir Mayo. Either a stoic base to other jams or proudly on it's own, Mayo is incredible. Ultimately, however, which condiment holds the true crown is up to you the jammer and that's why we ask You our wonderful reader to get aggressive and post a comment with your favorite condiment and why.

Burger King on the Offensive Again

2007-06-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

TOKYO, Japan - Once again getting aggressive on acquiring more land for it's jam-fiefdom, Burger King announces it's plan to reinvest Tender Crisps into a market that once denied their jam. Resident jammer Greens reports:

"After a hiatus of nearly 7 years, Burger King is having another go at the Japanese market, opening two restaurants in Tokyo, one last Friday, and one on June 22nd, with more in the works. So finally, world-jammers, fears of entering a place where Tender Crisp means soft-shelled crab (which really is a huge jam) can be chucked into the disposal, and you can rest easy on your Japanese vacation with a 370 yen pit stop for two all beef patties with extra pickles. Boo-yeah! Apparently, in these new locations they’re launching a Japan-only Whopper Teriyaki, which, to me, sounds like nothing less than a total power-jam."

American fast food chains of reputable fame and fortune have had success in jamming Japanese, for now though, we will wait and see if the King can make it's comeback.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

2007-06-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

Judi Barrett's highly regarded novella is a gripping account that depicts the daily toils of the residents of Chewandswallow. On the surface, the town of Chewandswallow is truly a jammer's paradise. Each day the daily weather report calls for sky-dropped jams of many varieties and these resident jammers literally stand in the streets mouth open when it comes time to eat.

"What's the weather report today?"

"I heard it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs."

And so on...

There is however a sinister element at work here and whether Barrett is making a parody of human consumption and calling into question our gluttonous tendencies is certainly worth mentioning. We know. This is a child's book with sweet pictures and tales of awesome jams, but why then would the jams turn sour?

As the story unfolds, the jams that befall Chewandswallow take on a more nefarious form. No longer hamburgers or spaghetti with meatballs but rather stinky cheese and over-cooked and rubbery broccoli "rain" down upon the citizens of Chewandswallow . In addition to a general shift in the quality of the jams, the jams also become proportionately dangerous in size and literally destroy homes and disrupt daily commerce. Eventually, these jammers are left with the decision to live among heaps of food or pack what they have left of their dignity and sail away on giant sandwiches.

Barrett, having received her MA in Jamology, does directly address two very important aspects of the JamZone credo. First, not every item of food is a jam. Yes tika masala and chile verde tacos are sweet and we would devour vast quantities if either of these jams were to drop from the sky. But what about Bingle? What if a toxic mixture of Jello, Pringles, and beer were to fall from the sky? Would that be a jam?

Second, jams, when they morph into grotesque proportions, can bring about unforeseen maladies that can reek havoc on one's body and personal life. We have all been there. Indian buffet, lunch time. Fork in hand, you just get after it and get serious on some food. Eyes closed, you drift through giant Saag dunes in search of your naan and tika oasis. A half hour later you come to your senses on the floor of the bathroom with the lights out. You are cold and want to call home.

Barrett's tale is ultimately a lesson in how to not let the jam get the best of oneself and even if it ends in a bleak retreat, does offer us some hope. Maybe somewhere a jammer's paradise does exist. A place where, as Greens has stated, "baseball games are canceled because of a pie storm and boats are made from sandwiches." Furthermore, if this magical jam paradise does exist, we would hopefully, like the people of Chewandswallow, more than likely embrace temperance in the face of falling jams.

The Age Old Question

2007-06-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Fuddruckers, the jamstablishment we all know and love, a classic jam or a stomach punch?? Comment with your vote!!

The Reverse Jam

2007-06-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

Jammers, a moment of reflection:

There has always been some debate as to the proper procedure for handling a foul jam. While jamming at a local soul jamateria, Greens found himself deeply involved with a toppling plate of southern jambalaya. Half way through, the jam turned sour, real sour. Knowing the odds, Greens did the only thing a jammer can do. He fought the threatening geyser with double-time jamming. In a classic battle of up versus down, Greens cleared his plate and ran for the bathroom. Bent over, staring into the bowl, Greens imagined himself as a huge shrimp, inches away from a cocktail fork, reeking of the sea, his voice too weak to cry out before being gutted and swallowed. What followed was a harrowing, hour long psychological battle that would leave Greens on his back, next to the toilet, with every ounce of murderous jam, too tired to keep fighting, still in his jam zone. So, what did we learn? Like our feelings about girls we like, foul jam’s should remain bottled up inside us, no matter how badly they want to escape, because a jam is a jam, no matter how messed that shit is.

Top 10 Jams

2007-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

These are ours:

1. Tika Masala
2. Chile Verde Tacos
3. Double double Animal
4. Mesquite BBQ chips
5. Reese's Cups
6. Ribs
7. A mound of spicy wings with a bucket of BLEU !!!
8. Chile Cheese Fries
9. Crab Rangoon from Punjab
10.General Tso Burrito (we are actually going to copyright this jam soon)

Comment with yours !!!

Vibe Check? General Tso

2007-02-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

We here at the Jam Zone take jamming very seriously. One of our all time favorite jams is that of the General Tso. Brandy, our resident jammer, previously posted a telling account of how this Hunanese dish came into existence. It was thorough and informative and we implore all jammers to read up and jam some facts before you jam some Tso's. Right now though, we digress and for a brief celebratory minute, let's bypass origins and head right for the buffet known as results. Here for your loving embrace is the the fabled General’s recipe in all it’s sweet and savory glory.

General Tso’s Chicken

(In this Taiwanese version, the dish is hot and sour and lacks the sweetness of its Americanized counterpart.)

For the sauce:

· 1 tablespoon double-concentrate tomato paste, mixed with 1 tablespoon water

· ½ teaspoon potato flour

· ½ teaspoon dark soy sauce

· 1½ teaspoons light soy sauce

· 1 tablespoon rice vinegar

· 3 tablespoons chicken stock or water

For the chicken:

· 12 ounces (about 4 to 5) skinless, boneless chicken thighs

· ½ teaspoon dark soy sauce

· 2 teaspoons light soy sauce

· 1 egg yolk

· 2 tablespoons potato flour

· 1 quart peanut oil, more as needed

· 6 to 10 dried red chilies

· 2 teaspoons finely chopped ginger

· 2 teaspoons minced garlic

· 2 teaspoons sesame oil

· Scallions, thinly sliced, for garnish.

1. Make the sauce by combining all the ingredients in a small bowl. Set aside.

2. To prepare the chicken, unfold the chicken thighs and lay them on a cutting board. Remove as much of the sinew as possible. (If some parts are very thick, cut them in half horizontally.) Slice a few shallow crosshatches into the meat. Cut each thigh into roughly ¼ -inch slices and place in a large bowl. Add the soy sauces and egg yolk and mix well. Stir in the potato flour and 2 teaspoons peanut oil and set aside. Using scissors, snip the chilies into ¾ -inch pieces, discarding the seeds. Set aside.

3. Pour 3½ cups peanut oil into a large wok, or enough oil to rise 1½ inches from the bottom. Set over high heat until the oil reaches 350 to 400 degrees. Add half the chicken and fry until crisp and deep gold, 3 to 4 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the chicken to a plate. Repeat with the second batch. Pour the oil into a heatproof container and wipe the wok clean.

4. Place the wok over high heat. Add 2 tablespoons peanut oil. When hot, add the chilies and stir-fry for a few seconds, until they just start to change color. Add the ginger and garlic and stir-fry for a few seconds longer, until fragrant. Add the sauce, stirring as it thickens. Return the chicken to the wok and stir vigorously to coat. Remove from the heat, stir in the sesame oil and top with scallions. Serve with rice. Serves 2 to 3. Adapted from “The Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook,” by Fuchsia Dunlop.

Jamzone Roundtable Discussion: Worst Fast Food

2007-01-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Recently, the Jam-Zone had a late night discussion about what fast food jams and what fast food denies the jam. Del Taco. Quiznos. Who serves a burger con chile rojo? Would you ever shit in someone's chile? Then the king of questions was proposed, where does one find the worst fast food?

It is 2007 but the players we are discussing have been in the game for more than a minute. Let's get right down to it jammers...

Quiznos. Basically their bread is shit and their toasting gimmick is over-rated. The only saving grace is their pepper bar, which is amazing! Pickles, peppers, and sauce. The general jam-zone sentiment is that Quiznos is sub-par and over-priced. Greens gives quiznos an unstuffed goon without sauce.

Subway. The tuna-salad sandwich is a questionable jam and the Seafood Delight is just wrong on many levels. Your safest option is the Vegi-delight, a guaranteed jam. The "sandwich artist" gig is complete bullshit as Subway mainly employs high-school drop-outs and people who don't give a crap about making sandwiches. Greens gives subway 2.3 fully-cooked goons. Grape concures, Subway jams better than Quiznos, giving them an enthusiastic goon for their bread selection but reminding faithful jammers, there is a reason people call the place "Butt-way."

Arby's. This place does jam and they offer tons of deals for cheap food. A classic and the sauce is so good. Rumor has it, their roast beef is made from a paste. But let's be honest, paste never tasted so good.

McDonald's. Breakfast trumps most criticism but King remarks "McDo's is still 1/10 the jam of Bojangles." Ben-jammin decries, "this is the worst fast food place around." He goes on to say "there is not one thing they offer that is not done better at other fast food establishments." Greens counters by saying that "McDonald's is solid" and thus we leave this one with you jammers. Overall taste seems to be the most heated detail of this argument and we will leave it with you faithful readers, does McDo's stand on it's own or are we witnessing the slow decay of a once Fast-Food king?

Wendy's. Back in the day, the Superbar was insane. A DMG (Dollar Menu Gauntlet - a fabled contest where-in contestants jam on each and every item on the dollar menu and winners are decided on both how much is consumed and how fast) contender, Ben-Jammin offers a quasi-credible aside about how "a kid in a show" once heard a story about someone dumping the days sweepings into the chile. Dave Thomas, although a rumored racist and right-wing bigot, did cook up some jams in his day and square burgers are classy. With a slightly fresher vibe, Wendy's is the OG of the Dollar Menu, never compromising quality for .99 cent representation.

Burger King. The Whopper does trump almost any fast-food burger out there. A consistant and flavorful jam that cannot be contained. Question, can you contain the Triple Whopper? Now that is a punishing jam.

Popeyes vs KFC. The KFC snacker doesn't deny but we will deny them the overall crown. Last we checked, fried chicken jams best on the bone. Sandwiches, fried alternatives and teaming up with Taco Hell ain't the answer fellas, and a chorus of agreement puts Popeyes at the very top of the Fast Food fried feather fiefdom

Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers is a sleeper and a jam most might not be familiar with unless you have traveled the I-95 corridor between Washington DC and NYC. You wouldn't expect it to jam and their burgers/chicken sandos are alright but Ben Jammin says "they shoot for the middle and they are consistently hitting it." Their fixins bar, replete with mounds of lettuce, tomatoe, pickel, onion, and a variety of sauces tips a hat to Fuddruckers and jams really, really hard. Grape as a wee lad once jammed a condiment sandwich which consisted of two-slices of bread from home and a stack of fresh greens, reds, whites, and multiple dollops of sauce.

A quick aside, Pizza-Hut pizza buffet with a rootbeer. Do Not Deny!!! Dessert pizza jams and although King ain't feeling it, the general mood amongst jammers is that Pizza Hut is an undeniable jam. (Soon to be discussed while jamming at Chuck E Cheese or Fuddruckers)

Mythic Pizza: The UnJam

2006-10-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Pizza by the slice. There may not be a better fast, cheap, satisfying late-night meal option available.

Except in San Francisco.

What passes as pizza here is not fast, cheap, or satisfying. Though there certainly are quality establishments to be found on my side of the Bay, most of what is sold as pizza is decidedly not. It's something else, and whatever that is, it's awful and it's everywhere. But since they're open later than anything else in the area, they roll in dough (ugh). Mr. Pizza Man and Pizza Americana (sometimes one in the same) are seemingly the only options in my neighborhood. I know enough to avoid them. I was out of my element the other night, though, in a different neighborhood and in a hungry, food-driven state of mind, and that found me in line at Mythic Pizza.

I'll spare you the details leading up to my visit to Mythic Pizza on Haight and Fillmore. Suffice it to say, I was busy all night and didn't have a chance to have dinner. I needed something. My ride suggested that I get a couple of slices from Mythic because he had earlier in the evening, and it was "the best place around the area." Fine. I'd never been to Mythic, but it sounded like Mystic, which is the name of a semi-decent east coast joint, so I went for it. Besides, "mythic" implies something out-of-the-ordinary. I need to stop taking establishments at their word.

It turns out that Mythic Pizza is just one more in the long line of purveyors of cheese-covered abortions. Using my dazzling MS Paint skils, I've taken the time to outline for you, dear reader, the steps taken between order placement and consumption (which is followed by, but not limited to, feelings of dissatisfaction, disappointment, and rage). Here you go:

(Step 6, not depicted, involves price-gouging and baby-raping...probably.)

One could go on and on about the shortcomings of a Mythic Pizza slice. First, let's talk about the fact that it's made on a piece of slice-shaped dough, not cut out of a full pie. Low dough quality aside, this creates a number of issues, including a frame of plain crust around the entire slice because everything is assembled from the ground up. When the cheese and/or sauce does not reach the edges of the majority of a slice, you've got trouble on your hands. The sauce itself stretches all reasonable definitions of the term and is mostly just color that is applied so stingily that one would be lead to believe that it is highly valuable or that too much of it just may kill you. The cheese is either heaped on or effectively ignored, but it doesn't matter because once it comes out of the oven half an hour later, everything's brown and hard anyway. D-grade toppings are added with abandon, fastened to the top with extra cheese, and baked (again) long enough to make you wonder how something that went into an oven could come out so cold.

"You're being too hard on Mythic and its ilk," you say. "It's good when it's late and you're hungry." To that, I say, "This is the JamZone. We're always hungry and we do not play."

I'm calling you out, Mythic Pizza. I won't be fooled again. Death to fake jams.

Corndog = Results

2006-09-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

The original jam classic. Pick up a pack of 20 for under $7.00, throw a twin pack in the microwave and in 30 seconds, you have a freakin' jam!!! Personally I enjoy mustard with my corndogs but from time to time, I have jammed with syrup. Apparently our good jam buddy, Jimmy Dean, has decided to take the corndog to the next level. We here at the Jam Zone applaud your work.

BE THERE !!!!

HOLY FUCK WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

2006-09-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Big apologies to all for the vacation. But no time for explanations, let's get right down to it!

A few new Jam Spots have popped up on the radar since we last spoke. First Up LA TIENDITA, the sister store of famed tacqueria EL METATE. Do not deny this place! Something tells me the fine folks at LT have yet to set up a website for their establishment, so no link unfortunately, but trust us the tortas are a total jam, featuring the carnitas and fish fillets we've all come to love from next door, as well as a fried chicken number that gets mighty results.

And unlike some of the tract-busters at El Metate (Chili Verde Nachos, Chile Colorado Platter, Kiddie Pool of Salse Verde), LT's Tortas are surely gentler on the internals. With a shooter of soup on the side, they come in right around $6.

In sadder news, the legendary Roadside Taco restaurant has been shut down by the health authorities. No real surprises here, but we'll surely miss the memories of eagerly standing in line at 3 AM, deciding which hot greasy meats deserve our custom that particular night, and eyeing wobbly hipster poon on 24th st.

Tour Jams

2006-07-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Jammers. We're back from our brief unintentionally self-imposed hiatus. We've all been out-of-the-loop. Brandy, Grape, and Half-Later recently returned from tour. While on the road, coasting victoriously to and from towns large and small throughout the great states of Washington, Oregon, Arizona, and, of course, California, the three (along with dedicated jammer and highly irregular correspondent Spot) encountered a variety of jams to soothe our daily hungers. To us here at JamZone headquarters, the word "Jam" has a clear and positive connotation, especially when it references the consumption of very large amounts of food. However, on the road, every so often, one is deceived by the promise of a mighty jam and instead suckered into dining on something quite revolting. Read on for a brief summary of the Positive Jam Experiences and Scary Faux Jam Imposters encountered on this tour.

1. Poolside Part I in Davis, CA with M. Leahy, playing 500, followed by killer fancy grocery store jam pre-show on healthy items such as lentils, pasta salad, and an assortment of delicious pies stuffed with taters, spinach, cheese etc. This was a Positive Jam Experience. With the Delta's Caribbean-themed kitchen closed for the evening (Chef Iwaca had to go sling his dank plum chicken bowls to some trustafarians at a woodsy reggae fest, leaving us in the lurch), the touring musicians needed a healthy meal in a hurry to bolster their minds, bodies, and spirits. Being healthy is important on the road. When in doubt, hit up a fresh bed of lettuce and some croutons for maximum fortitude.

2. Vegan Vegetable Stew and Ginger-Orange Tea at Dearborn House in Seattle courtesy of Tiff. Vegan Vegetable Stew is not really JamZone's bag but, in this case, being free, fresh, and actually quite tasty, it hit the spot. Especially when washed down by about 10-15 cans of Budweiser. In the morning, fools awoke to amazing banana bread. Another Postive Jam Experience on that healthy tip.

3. Very Hot French Fry in Bellingham, WA, consumed far too quickly quickly, burned the high holy shit out of drunk Brandy's Throat. Hurt like the dickens. Limited food-wise for a number of days. Faux Jam Experience, no doubt, even if it was Brandy's own damn fault..

4. Green-and-Red-and-Brown Sauced Enchilada and Taco Platters at Random Mexican Place near venue in Eureka, CA. No one suffered any significantly monstrous consequences as a result of consuming these foodstuffs but all participants agreed unanimously that the establishment doled out Mexican grub of an ilk that would find no dedicated patron in fair San Francisco. The cheese was rubbery and stagnant on tortillas rolled around exceedingly pale imitations of suitable filling. A fish taco, despite having theoretically come into existence in very close proximity to a seashore renowned for rockfish and the like, tasted like something hauled out of a Safeway dumpster. A grilled vegetable enchilada was C-sectioned and found to contain a perilously even array of un-grilled peas, carrots, and corn that could only have sprung from the freezer-burned depths of a mix-veg bag. Rubbish. A Faux Jam experience.

5. Large Caramel Milkshake with Whipped Cream and Cherry at St. Francis in San Francisco, CA. A Positive Jam Experience.

6. Chicken Fajitas and Carnitas Platters at Las Palmas Mexican Restaurant in Manteca, CA en route to Merced, CA with Kraut of tour jabronies LOTBs leading the uninitiated on a quick detour to visit a beloved Hometown Jam. Despite being very tasty, these -- along with the unctuous flour tortillas, rice piles, and glistening mounds of refried -- were perhaps not the wisest selections to have made prior to performing. Brandy was nearly comatose after crushing only 2/3 his chicken, 1/2 his rice, and scarcely a jot of his lard-soaked beans. He should have heeded Kraut's advice to share a dish. Half-Later went at his carnitas valiantly but was snowed under by the sheer amount and heft of what rose up magnificently and terribly from his plate. Grape, in classic fashion, buried his entire helping but very quickly began showing the telltale symptoms of OverJam -- flushed face, difficulty in opening eyes, sluggish movments, and disinterest in conversation or activity. A Positive Jam Experience.

7. Greek Chicken Salad Wrap at the Raven in Prescott, AZ. Excellent and healthy alongside numerous pints of Old Merlin Ale, or something. They had a startling variety of icy medieval-themed ales and lagers with rad epic-sounding names. All were thick and syrupy and contributed heartily to Brandy's brutal hangover the next-day. Even more so did the better part of a large bottle of Jim Beam. Half-Later has some excellent video footage of Brandy going off, singingalong with fellow rockers, red-dawging it, trying both successfully and unsuccessfully to roll a succession of joints, and generally putting out a drunkest-bro-in-room vibe. Quite assuredly, a Positive Jam Experience.

8. Pizza, Pre-Show, Post-Poolside Part III at Nasty Little Spot on N. Figueroa in Los Angeles, CA. This was the worst fucking pizza JamZone has ever encountered outside of a Walgreen's. While cheap, it contained a scant few of the niceties one normally associates with reasonably good 'za. The crust was pale yellow even after being cooked, without a hint of brown on the bottom side, and the sauce was reminiscent of ketchup. Brandy, Half-Later, and Fish and Game (of tour jabronies LOTBs) all succumbed. Moreover, a waitress loudly scolded Brandy and Half-later for making off with a few plastic water cups. A Faux Jam if there ever was one.

Jam Fence

2006-07-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

An early morning of conference calls and market research had King's internals rumbling for some action at about 10:00 today. Normally El Rey just heads down to the local tacqueria for his fuel (note to unthinkably cute Mischa Barton look-alike spotted there yesterday: your boyfriend seemed like a toad), but today there was plenty in the fridge so no need to hike down the road.

A quick prep job yielded the following jam: Mixed greens, cherry tomato, avocado salad. Roasted pork on ciabatta. Chips and salsa. And two Horizon chocolate milk boxes (these tasty devils now account for way too much of King's daily spending. Don't worry, he's looking into bulk savings via mail order).

Anyway, to contain this AM bounty King searched for some type of serving platter, and he even considered plating it all on a cookie tray. But all he could find was a standard dinner plate. Naturally, the Jam couldn't contain itself and spilled over on the counter, then on the floor as he brought the Jam into the TV room, and then eventually onto the coffee table upon which King feasted.

So King got to thinking (intrepid VCs call King at 415-824-4155) that what was needed was some sort of attachable railing for the standard-sized dinner plate, to prevent aggravating drop-offs. Much like a fence holds in a herd of cattle, the attachable railing would keep all your treats safely on your plate. Dishwasher-safe, available in several different colors and styles (picket fence, ranch-style wooden fence, chain link, wrought iron, etc.), they would be an instant success.

THE JAM FENCE!!! BE THERE!!!

wingjam in pictures

2006-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Outjammed

2006-06-13T15:58:00.001-07:00

Every so often, you come across a Jammer so admirable and focused that you question your own allegiance to the Jam.

Case in point, Saturday night. King was stumbling home after two hazy nights of self-destruction, and he decided to take a pit stop at the local taco stand for some much-needed nourishment. The stand was a circus of bar fallout and late-night feeders, each one screaming out his order: Four steak! Dos lengua! Uno Mas!

While waiting patiently in line, King witnessed perhaps the single greatest taco victory ever...

A wide-eyed jammer, liquored beyond belief, stumbled around the stand shouting out his demands: SEVEN POLLO TACOS AND ONE HORCHATA!!! Then, in an act of total disregard, with his eyes set squarely on the Jam ahead, he passed through the self-serve condiment line, opting to swoop up the onions, limes, and cilantro with his bare hands rather than use the provided tongs. Snacking on one of his seven tacos, he jumped back on his skateboard and rolled into the night. If you listened closely enough, you could hear the magic words under his breath as he fled the scene. "Jam, Jam, Jam, Jam, Be There..."

Psych Jam Circle

2006-06-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

You missed out. So believe it or not, Sunday night in celebration of a Jam-filled weekend, the food hungry fools at Jam Zone, crashed the National Food Festival with an impromptu Drum Circle Jam. To make this a true jam zone jam, we filled our Djembe drums with an assortment of jamable delights. This picture if proof in the pudding so to speak and gives you apprentices to the jam an inside look at the wonderful founders of The Jam Zone.

Pictured far left is Grape rocking the blue/grey bandana and kicking a funky beat on two drums, one filled with Chicken Tika Marsala and the other brimming with a heap of Crab Rangoon goodness. Sitting in front of Grape, but unfortunately facing away from the camera, is B of the Bsmiths hittin' a beat on drum stuffed with those Spicy Chicken wings from Punjab. A little aside, following our weekend of jams, B of the Bsmiths rocked out hard on a personal order of Fried Spicy wings and Fried rice. Jam On !! In the white cap is King, playing a gangsta half beat on his Southern Pork Shoulder Bongo set. Half-way through our drum jam, King screamed "I can't take it any more," and ripped open his bongos much to the roaring delight of the crowd. Although they thought he was riding the music snake, King was actually just hungry and needed to taste that sweet Carolina flava. Without a drum, King jumped on the Gong featured in the back of the photo. In the back with the Cap and Bling in his ears, is our man Half-Later. Half ripped it up on a pair of bongos as well, which he crammed in an unconfirmed amount of roadside tacos. Truth be told, Half lived up to his name and ate half of each taco before he stuffed it into his bongos. Lastly, is our man Brandy pullin' a Stevie Wonder for the people. I will tell you what, something about that Pollo Asado/Chile Relleno combination in Brandy's drum made him go off that night. Right after this picture was taken Brandy actually stood up with drum in hand and started hootin' and hollerin' like a man fresh from a jam. A call and response soon erupted where in Brandy would yell, "Where's my Asado?" and the crowd would respond, "With my Relleno!"

Bottom line, shit went off. Although the promoters at the National Food Festival had issues with our hostile takeover of their jamstivities, ire was quickly extinguised when we shared with everyone the wonderful bounties found inside each drum.

The Illustrated Jam

2006-06-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Brandy took down the fiesty Wolverine of Mutant Burrito Jams. The whole concept of Custom Combo burritos is growing on JamZone as Grape has, on at least one occasion, supplemented an El Metate-birthed Chile Verde Pork burrito Surf-andTurf-stylee with beaucoup strips of fried fish. Here is an illustrated guide to what Brandy did on Friday evening:

JAM x JAM

2006-06-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

Every few months any serious Jammer simply needs IN-N-OUT. Actually if The Zone had its way, there would be an IN-N-OUT right on 24th St, and we would probably Jam it every other day.

Dreaming aside, a few of the Zone gentlemen will be hitting the highway tomorrow night for their fix, sometime after eight.

King has his sights set on a 4x4.

Ben Jammin is talking a 6x6.

Anybody else in?

In the Name of the 'Goon and General Tso

2006-06-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

Vs.

What's even greater than the jam? The good people who gather to make it happen. On Saturday evening, shortly after posting up at the distinctly unjammable Papa Potrero's for some cheap suds to soothe the the Stoudemire-less Suns' loss at the hands of the formidable Dallas Mavericks, Brandy and King spied Half Later, Grape, and B of the Bs wandering up 24th Street, likely in search of an appropriate taco jam. With beery shouts, Brandy and King dashed outside, hailed their comrades, and bid them join an alternate jam possibility at nearby Punjab, King's favorite Chinese-American eatery. The five jamming jabronies set off together and soon found themselves seated around a large circular table in a deserted dining room nursing cold brews and empty stomachs, at the center of the table, a series of plated jams piping hot from the depths of the Punjab kitchen: crispy salt-and-pepper chicken wings, crab rangooooooon, vegetable potstickers, fried oysters, Szechuan tofu and broc, beef stir-fry, basil chicken and, of course, General Tso's chicken. Twenty minutes later, the dudes were jammed out.

For Brandy, despite having stuck to primarily meatless options throughout, the jam proved a diabolic dose of sodium and grease. Sluggish and dehydrated, his body had no will to suffer a night and morning of hard-drinking. Half Later, Grape, and King, however, rose to the occasion and took the party down to Jack's where they continued the jolly bro-jam -- with instruments and amps -- much to the amusement of fellow patrons. Late night, the self-abusive trio had the audacity to hit up Walgreen's for a variety of delicious frozen foods -- a pepperoni pizza, T.G.I. Fridays hot wings, and a Banquet chicken meal -- to satisfy the strange persistent hungers that swells rapidly after a tremendous beer-jam and a few potent bolts of Orange Crush.

By dinner-time the following night, all Grape could contemplate eating was a large bowl of raw broc and some steamed tofu slop. He calmly expressed his wish to opt out of any plans for a Classic Sunday Jam. King was undeterred. He begged Grape to partake in another jam and showed him menu after menu in an attempt to change his mind. Grape firmly stated he would not be bullied into sacrificing his health in the name of gastronomic excess. King would not back down. He knew he'd have only to whisper a gentle 'goony longing in Grape's ear to make the poor lad wilt. Sure enough, he did and the two dialed up another Punjab jam of more crab rangoon, wings, and General Tso's chicken.

Speaking of General Tso's, it will amuse JamZone readers to learn that there truly was a general named Tso. Before he became a glistening mound of batter-dipped hard-fried chicken nuggets drenched in a thick sauce of ginger, garlic, sesame, scallion, and soy, General Tso was a prominent military leader during the waning of China's Qing dynasty in the mid-1850's. During the 14-year-long Taiping Rebellion, he served with distinction, brutally crushing the rebels in four provinces.

According to Arthur W. Hummel's 1944 Library of Congress volume entitled "Eminent Chinese of the Ch'ing Period (1644-1912)", the Hunan Province-born Tso initially failed official court military exams on three occasions and proved, if only temporarily, a significant disgrace to his family. For a brief period, it looked like young Tso would amount to very little. After his academic failures, he returned home quietly, married a local lass, and took up some distinctly unwarlike activities, namely the farming of silkworms and tea. When the Taiping Rebellion broke out in 1850, history came calling for Tso, now 38 years-old. After a short spell as a general's secretary, Tso raised a force of 5,000 volunteers and took the field, driving the Taiping rebels out of Hunan and Guangxi provinces, into coastal Zhejiang. From then on, he was a profoundly respected commander. Before his death in 1885, he was responsible for smashing a lesser revolt called the Nian Rebellion and, while on a western campaign, snatching Chinese Turkestan back from the clutches of Muslim rebels.

DMG Sign Up!!! This Weekend!!!

2006-06-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

The Zone welcomes all Jammers to the first of the Dollar Menu Gauntlets, to be held this weekend. Of course we'll start out with the easiest of the DMGs, Burger King. To recap, it's a seven-course feast, and the order in which you Jam your $1 goodies is entirely up to you. But to safely navigate the Gauntlet means you gotta stick all these delights down your gullet: Whopper Jr, four chicken tenders, fries, onion rings, salad, apple pie and soda.

We'll have ribbons (edible ones, similar to Fruit Roll-Ups) for all the brave souls who can do the deed. Plus, the fastest jammer will be invited to curate the next DMG, either Wendy's triple-burger bomb or the Dessert Shitfest that is McDonalds.

Some Jammers are apparently taking DMG #1 more seriously than others. While rifling through King's personals the other night, JamZone found the following document:

"Tactical Guide to the DMG in the BK Theater"

1) Consolidation - Stuff two chicken fingers each into Whopper Jr. and

Apple Pie.

2) Sauce, the Unlikely Ally - Condiments will bloat and clog the internals in the long run. But in the short term, especially when applied to fistfuls of food, they will lube the throat and mouth, as well as some of the deeper internals. This makes the entire operation all that easier. Think at least 20 fries or eight onion rings per bite.

3) Soda Coda - Save it all until the end. Drink it at first and your JAM

chamber will expand with the bubbles. In between items and it's just

an inefficient use of valuable time. At the end it's flatter and you'll

desperately need some liquid to get you out of Sodium Shock, so you'll

drink it much more quickly.

So RSVP in the comments section, and please indicate your preferred time. We're thinking Sunday dinner, around 8:00 or so.

The Buffet: Jam On It

2006-06-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Be it Chinese, Indian, Wedding, Western Sizzlin', Sizzler, Wendy's, a Cruise Line, Pizza Hut, or the Family Reunion, the buffet is both reason to celebrate and reason to jam hard. Grape just returned from a weekend wedding jam fest which may have well been entitled, The Wedding: A Succession of Jams. The wedding buffet was insane: cheese plates, check, vegi platters, check, dessert table, check, and the rarely overlooked open bar jam, check please. Needless to say Grape represented hard and often on the East Coast. Capped things off with a quick stop at the East Coast Summer BBQ jam, one of the most delightful jams around, before jamming in another round of Flight Jam.

Our JAM Could Be Your Life

2006-05-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of recent posts. It's obvious that the JAM is getting in the way of our reporting here at the Zone. When you dedicate most of your waking hours to the logisitics of the JAM (hauling supplies, canvassing local buffets, monitoring cattle futures) there's only so much time for posting. The other day we tried to Jam and post, and now there is wing sauce between the computer keys. So we've decided to hire an intern.

This is basically an unpaid position. Your grand responsibility would be to help us balance our JAM-heavy lifestyles with our duties to this site. For example, if we were jamming hard (perhaps installing a deep fryer in our kitchen while downing skewered lamb) you might have to help us out with posts, editing, and other JamZone-related matters.

Likewise, one day we'll probably just send you up the street for a tray of tacos. Or you might have to participate in one of our weekly JZ-sponsored events. Such as next week's "Four Men, One Keg" challenge. As it stands, we're obviously one man short.

Requirements: Elementary computer skills. Internet connection. Impressive GI capacity. Solid internals. No food allergies (complicates our monthly MYSTERY JAM).

if you feel up for it, simply leave your name, e-mail, and your top three SF Jams in the comments section...

Epic Camel Jam

2006-05-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

For two Thanksgivings in a row, JamZone editors and their affiliates have overseen the preparation and consumption of a mutant roast bird known as the Turducken. Popular in the pre-Emeril world of butter-soaked Cajun excess championed by legendary chef Paul Prudhomme and with gluttonous football fans (John Madden has long been an advocate for the cause), the Turducken consists of a boned chicken stuffed inside a boned duck stuffed inside a semi-boned turkey, all sewn up, and baked in a low oven for many hours until each layer of bird is tender and drippings have well-greased the ribbons of cheap stuffing between them. As the steaming mass descends on an already overloaded banquet table in highly medieval fashion, a posse of hearty Jammers will gather 'round to slice through and spill forth intertwined meaty chunks in varied hues like the surreal delicious guts of a strange mythological creature. The Jam is Classic to say the least.

Nonetheless, Brandy thinks it is high time to call bullshit on the Turducken. It pales in comparison with what JamZone has determined to be largest Jam in the world. Imagine an entire camel cleaned, skinned, boiled, and stuffed with an entire cleaned, skinned, and boiled sheep. Now, imagine that sheep stuffed with a number of trimmed and boiled whole chickens that are, in turn, stuffed with an unholy quantity of black pepper, cooked rice, hard-boiled eggs, tasty nuts, and other savory perfuming agents. Prepared by expert cooks almost exclusively for the wedding feasts of wealthy Bedouin families, this dish, in some sense, utterly redefines the Jam. Just imagining what it might be like to feast on this mighty concoction is enough to make this JamZone contributor completely and utterly full.

If you think this post smacks of camel fodder, you’re not alone. Many have a tendency to doubt the truth of tales regarding the roasting of extremely large mammals. In his 1998 book The Fearless Diner, Richard Sterling reveals that he feared the same. That is, until, in Bangkok, deep in his travels, he finally met a brilliant hotel chef who’d actually done it:

I knew in my gut, in my gastronomic soul, that what I had long hoped was true. That it wasn't just some wild traveler's tale designed to stir the imagination and not the pot. The ultimate cookout was a reality. The only thing that could possibly be greater would be to spit-roast a giant squid. My wildest culinary dream could come true. Sven, Allah bless him and may his tribe increase, had done it.

"I tell you no lie," he went on, sipping a cold one. "They wanted camel. I roasted a whole camel on a spit."

"Yes!" I cried. "Tell me everything." And he did. He told me how he stuffed the camel with six sheep, stuffed the sheep with chickens, and the chickens with fish. He told me how it took 24 hours to cook, and that he served it on a silver platter in the shape of a recumbent camel. He related how the tribesmen who were the sheik's guests then attacked it with their knives en masse, feasted with their bare hands, and ate the meat down to the ivory.”

What’s more, for serious haters, from a 1983 California Home Economics Teachers cookbook called International Cuisine, a Saudi housewife’s no-nonsense recipe for Stuffed Camel stands as further proof. Jam on:

Stuffed Camel

1 whole camel, medium size
1 whole lamb, large size
20 whole chickens, medium size
60 eggs
12 kilos rice
2 kilos pine nuts
2 kilos almonds
1 kilo pistachio nuts
110 gallons water
5 pounds black pepper
Salt to taste

Skin, trim and clean camel, lamb and chicken. Boil until tender. Cook rice until fluffy. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens. Add more rice. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.

REAL-TIME MEAL TIME!!! JAM IS NOW!!!

2006-05-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

Currently on the couch sit King, BenJAMin, Brandy, Grape, and Halflater. In their collective belly lie 80 buffalo wings, a bunch of celery, about two cups of blue cheese, and a twelver of Natural Light. Oh yeah, Brandy just brought out a second plate of fried mushrooms!!! And there's talk of a sneaky run to Walgreen's for a big bag of Reeses cups. Say they won't!!! ANd now they want to batter the candy!!!

The brilliant minds at ABC have the entertainment covered, with two hours of season-ending LOST. You guessed it, the JAM is on...

BBQ BUFFET BBQ BUFFET BBQ BUFFET

2006-05-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

One of King's favorite hometown jams is the blessed Little Pigs Barbecue, nestled on theoutskirts of Columbia, SC. This is an endless buffet (not pictured above are the whole pig, which sits on an opposite table for pickin', and the dessert table) that sets you back $7 for lunch and a buck or two more for dinner.

The full buffet is only available Thursday through Saturday (obviously there are laws in place to regulate such Jams as Little Pigs). King once went twice for lunch in three days. A true challenge, of course, would be to eat both lunch and dinner (unlike some of the lesser buffet Jams, Little Pigs doesn't close between lunch and dinner, so you could get there at 11:00 AM and leave at 9:00 PM ) for three days straight.

BE THERE!!!

THE JAM CHALLENGE

2006-05-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

JZ must do a more detailed post on all the Jam Challenges that lie ahead. High-count In-N-Out jams (10 x 10, anyone?), Wing competitions (Ben you are meat tonight!), DMGs, etc. But let's relay a recent episode:

One morning a friend (hell of a jammer, this friend) and King needed a jam challenge but were fresh out of respectable jam fuel. Still a bit addled from the previous night, and in full competitive mode, they decided to see who could eat the biggest spoonfuls of salt. Then they switched to eating heaps of flour. Was it a jam? By all accounts, certainly not. In fact it was disguisting, wasteful, and King's internals turned to briny paste for the rest of the day. But was the spirit of the Jam Challenge in full effect? JamZone votes YES!!!

3 lb. Jam: Fuddruckers

2006-05-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Jammers. Who among you has never dined upon a Fuddruckers burger? This my friends is a real jam. 1/3 and 1/2 burgers are for beginners. Those who really want to jam hard need to step up and eat a 3 lb. burger. Yeah that's right, 3lbs. of beef. Grab hold of a basket of onion rings topped with Jalapeno cheese and a F-Ruckers water bottle brimmed with Raspberry Iced-T for refreshment and you have a real Jam. Grape has been log-jamming Fuddruckers since he was a little seed. Ahh those were the days. A classic jam was 1 lb. burger, check, onion rings, check, and then topping off your jam by making a little jam-condiment salad with Honey mustard dressing. No doubt, Grape jammed hard and often. If you have never jammed Fuddruckers, you need to BE THERE !!! On the JamZone Radar, Daly City Fuddruckers.

BINGLE: The Impromptu Jam

2006-05-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today JamZone recounts an incident in the early days of the Jam, when Grape, Brandy, and King were only beginning to appreciate its complexity, sheer power, and disastrous side effects.

On a typical weekend night of drinking and disregard, the boys had rounded up some of the crew for a poker game. JamZone isn't too sure how the cards fell that night, but legend has it that King, in a strange combination of beer-fueled hunger and creative splendor, cobbled together one of the finest Impromptu Jams in recent remory.

There were beers everwhere. A dish of lime Jello sat in the fridge, lonely and unguarded. A can of Pringles stood on the counter.

King swooped up the Pringles, crushed up two handfuls and threw them into the Jello. A cup of beer was needed to soften the sharp edges of the delightful potato shrapnel atop the Jello. He swirled the ingredients to a fine slurry, then poured it down the edge of the bowl and down his throat.

Thus BINGLE was born.

Similar expirements with BICE (beer, Jello, and Rice) were less successful.

Wednesday Night Wing Jam! BE THERE!!!

2006-05-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night, at the JamZone HQ. 9:00. RSVP in the comments section so King knows exactly how many chickens to kill and what size vat of blue cheese to buy.

Andre the Giant has a Jam

2006-05-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Andre the Giant was a Legendary Jammer. He stood almost 7 and a half feet tall and weighed in at approximately 530 pounds. His wrist was nearly a foot in circumference, far larger than most men's ankles. In "To the Giant Among Us", his December 1981 Sports Illustrated profile, author Terry Todd pegged the sweet-natured Mr. Rousimoff as a Jammer Beyond Compare, a man who, despite suffering from acromegaly for most of his adult life, thought nothing of consuming close to 7,000 calories a day from beer alone.

During the week or so I was with him, his average daily consumption was a case or so of beer; a total of two bottles of wine, generally French, with his meals; six or eight shots of brandy, usually Courvoisier or Napoléon, though sometimes Calvados; half a dozen standard mixed drinks, such as Bloody Marys or Screwdrivers; and the odd glass of Pernod. He drinks as many Frenchman drink - throughout the day - and he takes genuine comfort in his drinking, seemingly in agreement with the line from Housman that "Malt does more than Milton can / To justify God's ways to man." But during the time I was with Andre, never once did I see him give any indication that the alcohol was affecting him. Several friends who have known him over the years say that on the rare occasion when he feels the need to tie one on he avoids beer or wine and goes quickly through three fifths of vodka.

His eating was, by most accounts, equally formidable, though Todd suggests that Andre seemed to eat less than might be expected for a man of his bulk. Four eggs, bacon, hash browns, four pieces of whole wheat toast, a pint of orange juice and two iced coffees supposedly sufficed to break his nightly fast. A Minor Jam. On other occasions, he plowed through more absurd quantities. Reliable sources indicate that, once, at a Montreal eatery, he asked an irksome waitress to bring him the entire menu, one dish at a time. He completed the Jam in 4 hours.

The Buffalo Wing Jam Uncovered

2006-05-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

In the court of the Crimson Jam, here sits a true King among Jammers. This great man, who the JamZone will call Jim, jammed an unprecedented 73 wings. Sources confirm that this was an estimated 10.5 lbs. of Wing Jam smothered in "Hot" wing sauce. A true Jam-Champion, let the photos tell the tale. Empty plate, check, cold beer, check, confident swagger of a man fresh from a jam, CHECK !

Hangover + Classic Indian Jam II: A Remembrance of Jam Past

2006-05-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

To bring it back to King's Indian Jam of previous posting, Brandy would like to add that Indian Buffet is actually the most brutal and direct Hangover Jam he has ever tried. In his book, it trumps Torta Gorda sandos and gritty Chinese dial-ups by miles.

A story to prove it: One fine Summer's eve a number of yrs ago, Brandy, Spot, Lil N, and most solid college bro 'Nache hooked up in My Old Kentucky Jamtown the night before a crucial Zoo Jam excursion and Shellac/Dianogah Concert Jam. The Feel-Good Jam of the Summer, twas. Rented out a 20 dollar room at the Economy Inn (major hooker and dealer JamSpot) and Jammed Intensely on Vodka and Rum until Sunrise. 'Nache staved off hunger mid-Jam with a Side Jam of Hot Dog from gas station down the road but when we arose to check out, after only a few hours of sleep, we were all so horribly fucked up and in bad need of a Restorative Jam pre-show and pre-zoo. Naturally, we looked to the Indian Restaurant across the street. Poor 'Nache could not handle the Tikka Masala or the Vindaloo. He was nibbling lettuce greens and other Peripheral Buffet Items with little external pleasure. Brandy bombed on Saag Paneer (one of the most dangerous Jam foods ever created). Spot and Lil N were holding their own. We crushed until we reached Jam Capacity. Less than three hours later, deep in the Zoo, highly engrossed in the hobbling patterns of a smelly dromedary, Brandy took a sip from his extra-large slushy and realized that he felt absolutely grand despite having, along with 3 other formidable Booze Jammers, capsized 1.75 liters of Captain Morgan's and assassinated 1 liter of Smirnoff vodka less than 6 hours prior. A Very Classic Jam, no doubt. No scientist would have guessed that a Jammer seeking to soothe an Over-Jammed Stomach and Liver would manage to do so with the aid of tandoori skewers, spicy curried bean pastes, and Basmatic pilafs. Guess again. Jam Zone invites any "scientists" to explain how this Miraculously Successful Jam Sequence transpired.

Moreoever, JamZone also invites you non-scientists to reflect on some Jams you might have sought out for the specific purpose of eliminating the pains of a wretched hangover. We await your tales. Until then, Jam On.

TACOS, A CLASSIC JAM

2006-05-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

The Dollar Menu Gauntlet

2006-05-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, King didn't do the McDonalds DMG today. He actually went with the fruit and cottage cheese, probably wise as he fends off a cold.

But JamZone has received some definite reader interest in the DMG. Turns out that the three DMGs (McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King) aren't that suitable for side-t0-side comparison. Here's why:

The Wendy's dollar menu features 12 items, including three burgers, five nuggets, fries and a baked potato. All in all, this glorious dozen packs 3130 calories and 125 grams of fat, 37 of which are saturated. That is probably a bit heavy for a lunch jam.

But take a stroll down to Burger King, where the dollar menu offers you a well-rounded jam of the Whopper Jr, four chicken tenders, fries, onion rings, salad, apple pie and soda. You could probably take your girlfriend here for a DMG with little protest. It's a reasonable jam and comes in right at $7.

Meanwhile, McDonalds DMG is just as bad as JamZone initially thought. Here's what you get, according to the Web site: "Double Cheeseburger, McChicken Sandwich, Fries, Soft Drink, Snack Size Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait, Hot Fudge Sundae, 2 pies and a Side Salad." JamZone knows what you're thinking - pretty much in line with Burger Kings' waistline-conscious guantlet, right? But trust JZ- that pair of pies and those two dairy desserts will create a war zone in your stomach, and in an hour or two you will be cringing in pain on the toilet as you try to expel the heap of fat and dairy and meat and carbs that are squaring off in your gut.

Anyway, King and Grape will surely try one of the DMGs soon. JZ will let you know how it goes.

A Jam Deferred

2006-05-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

This can be the most classic of Jams. Sometimes a truly avid Jammer elects not to Jam in the moment so that his or her vibes and general constitution permit monster Jam at a point in the (hopefully) near future. Last weekend was Brandy's Jam Deferred. Friday's tentative red wine and calamari Jam Romantica with lady at decent local trattoria was marred by a strange waiter's Jam-inhibiting poor service and the boisterous and willfully inclusive antics of a Peruvian birthday party at table next door. Passed out, champagne glass spilling, in bed, less than one hour into The 40 year old Virgin. A limping, three-legged Jam. Likewise, Sunday, Brandy awoke and hit up Rainbow Grocery for only mildly Jammable organic foodstuffs for the purpose of improving general health. Sunday breakfast was epic and positively geographic in scope -- a golden lake of eggs with wild Hen of the Woods shrooms, green garlic, fake meat, and Australian raw milk cheddar cooked and crammed across a large bluff of ciabatta bread alongside an Avo mound and the requisite red river of Srirachi sauce -- but, absent use of deep fryer, call for delivery, or late-night trip to Walgreen's (invariably for post-Purple Diesel Confection Jam), it was not much of a Jam. Late-night, as Grape endeavored to Be Healthy and King fought off an impending cold virus with succinct Cupcake Jam, Brandy's Pabst intake hovered on the edge of Jam territory but the Jam was not to Be. Brandy hopes to revisit the Jam later this week at the fine Jack's Bar as the NBA Playoffs (again, hopefully, perhaps even Surely) continue to deliver fine Athletic Theater best accompanied by a Boiled Pollo Burrito con Extra Avo to go from El Farolito + Bottomless Busch Beer Glass Jam. Until then, Jam on.

The Buffalo Wing Jam

2006-05-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

You asked for it and Jam Zone readies yet another installment. Thanks to King for a lunch Jam update Financial District style. Ok, let's get down to it, this guy Jams. What is he jamming on, the king of Jams, the Buffalo Wing. Question is, how many could you eat? 20? 30? 50!?! Now that would truly be a jam and one the Jam Zone would love to sponsor. King and Grape recently squared off in an all-you-can eat wing fest and Grape won by a hair, although King did receive points for leaving the jam out all night to collect Jam Ants. Yes, even ants love to Jam. In fact, a topic for discussion, do Ants rule the Jam on the insect level? An obvious commpetitor would be the Jam Roach. Post Comments and you BE THE JUDGE !

Lunch Jams

2006-05-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

Holed up in his cubicle in downtown SF, King needs to kick off the work week with a lunch jam. Feeling uncharacteristically democratic, he's decided to poll JamZone readers for suggestions. Please vote in the comment section for one of the following jams:

1) Indian Buffet - See post below for visuals. There is no fucking around with this option. Pros include lots of mass, exotic spices, and tablecloth. Cons include the suspect quality of ingredients, the ensuing bloody mess that will eventually land in the toilet, and the smell of curry seeping out of King's pores later that day at the gym.

2) Fresh fruit and cottage cheese from the gym - Alas, this is not a Jam at all. But King's tract is still mending itself from the heavy weekend Jams, so this healthy and gentle alternative might be required to get the system back in order for more intensive and caloric jams later this week

3) Dollar Menu Gauntlet (DMG) - A repulsive Jam that includes one of everything on the dollar menu at the nearest fast food chain. King, Grape, and Brandy were talking last night about the feasibility and tastiness of each of the major chain's dollar menus. General agreement that Burger King takes the prize, with Wendy's not too far behind. Bringing up the distant rear would be McDonalds, with its heavy emphasis on $1 dessert items. Unfortunately, King's closest option is McDonalds, so unless you think gobbling down a McFlurry, a parfait, and a box of those cookies is a good idea, perhaps you should spare King the misery of a McDonalds DMG.

Cast your votes...

2006-05-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

Indian Buffet. Classic JAM !!!

Welcome to JamZone!!!

2006-05-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Hey there, JamZone is up and running! That's right, a window into the lives of Grape, Brandy, and King, coming to you live from the foot of Potrero Hill in San Francisco. First off, let's introduce you to the Jam.

Today for dinner, Grape rolled up on a super burrito featuring the unholy combination of fried fish and chile verde pork. Reports from Grape indicate it was a total Jam.

And just yesterday, King woke up with a monumental hangover and immediately dialed up the local Chinese slop shop. Crab Rangoon, check. Spicy Wings, check. General Tso's, check. Jam, indeed. Earlier last week, King was spotted at his go-to downtown Indian joint. Lamb Curry, check. Vegatable Curry, check. Rice, Naan, check. Two Mountain Dews, check. Definite Jam.