Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Oh did Jerusalem Jam

BETHLEHEM - The Bible calls to light many miraculous jams. Need we recall the story of Jesus feeding thousands of non-believers fresh fish and water when only originally supplied with a paucity of baskets and the obvious, water into wine. The Old Testament however regales us with stories of unthinkable jams. Resident jammer Greens reports:

"King Solomon jammed and jammed hard. Note below the list of daily provisions for his palace. Now, if I were Solomon, I'd be thinking stock. I'd throw one of each of those bitches in a cauldron (except the fatted fowl, which I'd stuff and slow roast), add some water, and boil that shit down for a god damned month until I had about 2 mason jars of punishing stock. With the daily rations provided, I'd have enough daily liquid gold to fucking soak myself in each night before I retired to my chambers to dominate the queen and tons of other chicks with my incredible good looks and meat-infused dong. Or, I'd just roast everything with some onions and olive oil and call it a day. Either way, nightly jam-feasting would occur.

Here's a direct quote 'and Solomon's provision for one day was thirty measures of fine flour, and threescore measures of meal, ten fat oxen, and twenty oxen out of the pastures, and an hundred sheep, beside harts*, and roebucks, and fallow deer, and fatted fowl.'

*a male deer, commonly of the red deer

Now there seems to be a discrepancy here. In another segment of I King, the King and the folks from Israel sacrifice 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep for peace. Now, I did the calculations and, assuming they sacrifice the pasture oxen (as their leaner physiques would make for less delicious roasts), that's 1,100 days worth of oxen and 1,200 days worth of sheep. Now, unless by sacrifice they mean cook in verde sauce and jam hard, this sounds like a pretty big time sacrifice."

Thank you Greens for your chaste words introducing readers to Biblical jams. We would certainly concur that throughout the Old and New Testament there were record jams and again, need we mention what went down when Jesus entered the picture. And now we close with an old proverb:

"May you be protected in all your jams, may you feast well and often, and may never a day pass without solemn devotion to that which gives us life and sustenance."


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