Ice Cold, Yes Please

Have You Ever Been Out-Jammed?

I just looked in the mirror
Things aren't looking so good
I'm looking California
And feeling Minnesota

The grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shitting
I'm feeling that I'm sober
Even though I'm drinking

It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling out[jammed]*

*words by C. Cornell

Jam Zone Roundtable Dish: Fried Non-Meats

SANFRANCISCO, Ca - Two weeks ago the Jamzone brought you an enticing round table discussion about condiments. This week we embark on a fantastic voyage to the land of Fried Non-Meats. Residing in San Francisco, there is a sect of people who only jam non-meats and we will doft our hats every so lightly in their direction when in fact this jam is immersed in simmering oil.

So here we go friends, what fried non-meats really get it going?

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GREENS

Let me say only three words about non-meat fried jams: Jalepeno Poppers. Believe.

BRANDY

Non-Meat Fried Jams:

Fried Mushrooms
Fried Pickles (aka Frickles)
Hush Puppies
Waffle-cut Fries
Fried Twinkies

BENJAMMIN

Savory, non-meat, fried jams:

Sweet potato fries
Jalapeno poppers (seconded)
Fried mushrooms (seconded)
Hush puppies (seconded)
Tempura vegetables
Mozzarella sticks
Fried (non-meat) ravioli

Sweet, non-meat, fried jams:

Fried oatmeal creme pies
Fried twinkies
Fried ring dings
Fried oreos
Doughnuts

Has anyone here actually fried ice cream before?

GRAPE

I did once devour a fried Mars bar in Ireland, that shit was insane. Oh and fried zucchini is almost unstoppable. Seasoned fries are amazing as well, maybe add some vegan chili and cheese and really get after it.

CORNDOG

I have to second the fried zucchini as perhaps the best fried non-meat, although a Dinosaur BBQ Fried Green Tomato is some sick shit.

GREENS

FGT's are off the hook, but I think Grape is on it with the Mars bars. I had one of those jams over in Scotland and it blew my mind. I haven't yet tried oatmeal cream pies and the like, but I have heard rumors that Rolos are about as fierce as it gets when dipped in the fat-bubbler.

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Whether your non-meat jam be sweet, savory, or somewhere in between, know that we the Jam Zone will always !BE THERE! for a non-meat jam when it is fried and maybe even served with some awesome sauce. You know what, even a good ole fashioned salad jams as well but only when served a la Cobb with homeys bleu cheese, bacon, grilled chicken, avocado, sittin on chrome.

Any non-meat jams you have devoured and would like to share with the general public? Then stop being afraid and comment.

WHAT ?!?!!

Yo,

We know, the jamzone was dormant for a week. We will return on Monday with some absolute fire. In the meantime, comment about everything or write something for our blog and we will post it. Otherwise, you do not have to much to jam off about.

Respect

Profiles in Jamming: BRANDY

POTRERO FLATS, Sf - When asked to comment on his favorite Mexican dish, Brandy went completely off:

"I'm taking El Farolito's boiled chicken but I'm giving it a good long dunk in the Pancho Villa green chile sauce before it ends up on my burrito. I'll take El Metate's rice, plus a straight ripe avocado from anywhere reputable (no old-ass guac for me) and pinto beans from anywhere, and add the grilled vegetables from Papalote's and a chopped fried-and-cheese-filled chile relleno from Taqueria San Francisco. For splashing sauces, I'll have El Farolito's green and Papalote's delicious orangey-red. The tortilla can be from anywhere but it has to be big and pliant. I will take it to Ali Baba's on Valencia and have them grill it up on them coals so its crispy on outside prior to my first bite. Or I will take it to Punjab and have them fry it hard as shit. Either way I'll have flour chips from El Metate on the side along with those great splashing sauces and Cholula and the green habanero mind-fuck sauce. To drink, one pineapple-melon agua fresca, ice-water, and one very cold 24 oz can of Budweiser. For dessert, I will have a York Peppermint Patty and two 40's, one taped to each hand. I will record my meal with some close bullet mics on either side of my mouth and a few big old condensers for the rest (and room/street ambience) and have it played back in stereo on large speakers with live mixing by Grape, with it all running through a Boss d-6 delay with Half Later twiddling the nobs . So the whole time I am eating I will listen to myself eat. And then I'll cheer. And then I'll be hearing myself cheer. And why not -- I'll be getting a bj too. That is my jam."

Enjoy your weekend jammers.

"911 We Have an Emergency"

ANYWHERE, USA - You are fatigued, desperately in need of a Snickers or a can of Dew. Famished, you collapse on Main street, mumbling to any passerby, "can you help me?" Suddenly out of the blue a JMT (Jam Medical Technician) rolls up in Snackcident Prevention van, and drops in you an IV of Grape Soda and stuffs your mouth with a sugarized trail mix replete with chocolate covered gummy bears, Reeses Cups, crushed Oreos, and Nerds.


It's great to know that no matter where you are in need of a snack, a JMT is somewhere on the streets ready to assist you in your darkest hour.

Oh did Jerusalem Jam

BETHLEHEM - The Bible calls to light many miraculous jams. Need we recall the story of Jesus feeding thousands of non-believers fresh fish and water when only originally supplied with a paucity of baskets and the obvious, water into wine. The Old Testament however regales us with stories of unthinkable jams. Resident jammer Greens reports:

"King Solomon jammed and jammed hard. Note below the list of daily provisions for his palace. Now, if I were Solomon, I'd be thinking stock. I'd throw one of each of those bitches in a cauldron (except the fatted fowl, which I'd stuff and slow roast), add some water, and boil that shit down for a god damned month until I had about 2 mason jars of punishing stock. With the daily rations provided, I'd have enough daily liquid gold to fucking soak myself in each night before I retired to my chambers to dominate the queen and tons of other chicks with my incredible good looks and meat-infused dong. Or, I'd just roast everything with some onions and olive oil and call it a day. Either way, nightly jam-feasting would occur.

Here's a direct quote 'and Solomon's provision for one day was thirty measures of fine flour, and threescore measures of meal, ten fat oxen, and twenty oxen out of the pastures, and an hundred sheep, beside harts*, and roebucks, and fallow deer, and fatted fowl.'

*a male deer, commonly of the red deer

Now there seems to be a discrepancy here. In another segment of I King, the King and the folks from Israel sacrifice 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep for peace. Now, I did the calculations and, assuming they sacrifice the pasture oxen (as their leaner physiques would make for less delicious roasts), that's 1,100 days worth of oxen and 1,200 days worth of sheep. Now, unless by sacrifice they mean cook in verde sauce and jam hard, this sounds like a pretty big time sacrifice."

Thank you Greens for your chaste words introducing readers to Biblical jams. We would certainly concur that throughout the Old and New Testament there were record jams and again, need we mention what went down when Jesus entered the picture. And now we close with an old proverb:

"May you be protected in all your jams, may you feast well and often, and may never a day pass without solemn devotion to that which gives us life and sustenance."

Profiles in Jamming: Benjammin Vs. Tacos

LATE WINTER, Sf - Benjammin finishes off an absurd amount of tacos with glaring determination that is more suited for combat or ripping notes. What is witnessed can only be that of a master showing true confidence in his abilities to out-jam anyone. It's a state of consciousness not recommended without proper training and certainly not easily attained.

Greens bears testiment. "Throughout the competition, Jammin' maintained an unfaltering stoic deadpan that was beyond intimidating. It said, 'eat another one, Steve, I dare you.'"


Months later we caught up with Jammin as he finished off the impossibly denied jam of El Metate and asked him to recall the events that transpired that evening.

JamZone: Jammin, can you recall how many tacos were initially cooked?
Jammin: 100 tacos were cooked initially, with 30 or so additional tacos cooked once things got serious.
JZ: Wow, seems pretty serious from the beginning. Must have been am impossible challenge from the start. So we have to ask, what was going through your head when you saw a vast ocean of beef and fried shell?
J: "I am going to eat more tacos than anyone else here."
JZ: Jamming can certainly be simply a frame of mind. Was there ever a moment when you thought, shit, this an impossible jam?
J:Never.
JZ: And for the record, what was your total taco count?
J: 25.5 tacos, plus half of a forkful of beef fat that I spread on top of the last half-taco to psych out my competition.
JZ: That is both disgusting and amazing and we applaud your feat of food prowess. How did you feel when the room declared you unequivocally the taco eating champion?
J: Unsurprised.
JZ: And we are not surprised. Champion jammers are generally humble about their eating exploits. Are there other jams you would like to conquer?
J: Any and all. Especially if they are delicious jams.
JZ: We concure. If you could do it again, would you choose chile verde from El Metate instead?
J: I am going to go with "no," but only if it's followed by "duh."

A true winner on all levels, Jammin is a consistant jammer who has skillfully demonstrated his concentrated reserve while flexing his taco might and, having completed this task, we the jamzone declare Benjammin the unofficial taco eating champion of San Francisco. He will challenge anyone within driving distance to a taco eating battle royale, so who wants to get whooped on? But seriously folks, we have been there for the Indian buffets and In N Out trips and we are telling you now, he rips food.

Jam Zone Roundtable Dish: Condiments

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca - "Sugar, salt, and pepper are considered by some to be the most essential condiments." This coming from someone who has obviously never really topped off his/her breakfast sando, 6 pc. wings, order of fries, pizza crust, two pieces of bread, or tacos with one of many incredible condiments that make up the canon of flavor enhancement we all know and love.

With summer, the unofficial condiment season, upon us, we set out to once and for all settle the age old question of which is in fact the best condiment out there.

Resident jammers, Ben-Jammin, Greens, Brandy, King, and our newest member Corndog all weighed in, now let's get down to it....

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BENJAMMIN

Barbecue sauce trumps ketchup. Bleu cheese trumps ranch. Both ketchup and ranch have their place, as ketchup and mayo on a burger is splendid and ranch on fried green tomatoes is also a jam.

Frank's Red Hot, or buffalo sauce in general, is likely the most versatile condiment.

Underrated condiments: horseradish mayo and tartar sauce. Some might say that tartar sauce is for the plebes, but let's be serious...it combines with lemon to make your fish and chips better.

For my french fries, give me vinegar, give me barbecue sauce, give me buffalo sauce, give me anything to scoop up. French fries are just a vehicle for condiments.

Condiment question: where do salsa and guacamole belong? Are they of the dip family or are they true condiments?

BRANDY

I'm pretty into condiments. The best condiments either allude to or actually contain other condiments as major ingredients. I speak of tartar sauce, bbq sauce, etc. I also like it when a sandwich is sauced with a variety of condiments with a fine affinity for one another. When I talk about condiments I am usually talking about what makes a sandwich and whatever comes on side tasty. Mayo-catsup-mustard is the Holy Trinity. Good for bread, cheese, meat (turkey or chicken or fish in my case), fries, rings, or whatever. I hated sweet relish for ages but one day I jammed a sandwich with it in concert with mayo-catsup-Sriracha and I lost my mind. Sriracha is my favorite and most feared condiment. It tastes good as hell but it takes possession of whatever it is you're eating. It tastes so good you're compelled to put it on everything and you jam with gusto but, at the same time, while everything does taste great to you, it's all the same -- you're addicted to the uniformity of flavor. Soon it goes on everything from pizza to burritos to eggs to bloody mary mixes and you can't really handle eating anything without it. I've eaten it on slice after slice of white bread before and been completely incapable of stopping. That's when you have to detox for a little while and literally refuse to look at it in stores when you're shopping. For the record, I'm on that tip currently.

Re: guac, etc. Guacamole is a condiment if its on a sandwich and excellent with a turkey and swiss vibe. It's a dip if some womenfolk be dipping baked lays and carrots into it and talking about shoes. It is a jam if it is on some beans, rice, salsa, onions, and cheese and meat wrapped in a huge flour tortilla and rolled up. Salsa I never fuck with aside from Mexican really.

GREENS

Let me throw this out there:

Major Grey Mango Chutney. Give me a fucking pile of yellow curry chicken on rice, slam about 6 cups of Major Gray on top, and you have a monster jam.

Now, as far as the classics are concerned, mustard is king on burgers, unless we are talking the all time classic, the Alpine Burger (swiss cheese, grilled mushrooms, bacon), then BBQ is necessary to power the jam. Tabasco is king for anything Mexican, and mayo can be nice when used in strict moderation, but is usually not my jam.

Here are a few things to think about:

Honey mustard?
Stoneground mustard?
SPICY CHINESE MUSTARD?!
Classic yellow?

KING

McDonald's sweet and sour sauce is very dear to me.

And any thousand island type shit (In-N-Out's) is rocking...

CORNDOG (newest jammer)

First of all...Tabasco over Tapatio? I think not. Tapatio is the jam for all things Mexican. How about some Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce that you get in Chinatown? That shit is a jam condiment on all things Asian, as well as on some Kraft Mac and Cheese.

Blend of A-1, Ketchup, Grey Poupon, and a bit of mayo is pretty sick. Thoughts?

BRANDY

Hot Sauces: Tabasco is a hard sell. It adds heat but no flavor. Fine for adding some minor "zing" to a batch of deviled eggie-weggs but ill-suited for the doctoring up of dishes immediately prior to consumption. In my opinion I don't like the watery vinegar vibe. Will only use it if nothing else is available. Sriracha aside, Tapatio is good. However, I do actually prefer Cholula as a basic splashing sauce of reasonable heat and complexity. That neon green habanero shit they have at El Metate is the next level.

Mustards: I have no major stance here. I opt for that Poupon more often than not but that is largely out of habit as I grew up with it. I don't usually do spicy mustard as any place mustard goes on my plate is already likely to be saturdated with Srirachi or Cholula. Yellow mustard is aight too. I usually do just a little mustard on a sandwich if any at all.

Generally-speaking, mayo + sweet + acidity + spice + smoke flavoring = Delivers Jam Results

Oh shit -- I almost forgot. My favorite left-field condiment of all time is plum sauce, that which one would receive alongside white pancakes in an order of mu shu something from a mainstream Chinese eatery. Sticky, incredibly sweet, and full of msg. I don't know what else to put it on besides fried rice or grilled chicken or whatever, but it is good.

BENJAMMIN

Cholula > Tapatio > Tabasco, though Cholula and the tap are close, and Tabasco is way behind.

I second Pat's In-N-Out thousand-islandy condiment love.

Another underrated condiment: fish sauce. Bun dishes at Vietnamese restaurants are nothing without it.

I nearly forgot peanut sauce. That stuff jams hard. Really hard.

I haven't ever really gotten into the condiment combinations. I'm sure there are some delicious amalgamations. Mayonnaise seems to be a key factor in the mix.

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So there you have it folks. Jamzone gives an aggressive thumbs up to Peanut Sauce and Tapatio. Thousand Islo is a TKO. Sriracha is intoxicating and amazing on pretty much anything. Guac, like all sauces being utilized for dipping morphs into an amazing condiment the moment it is applied atop any appropriate jam ie. a sando or a burrito and is pretty damn good all the time. Lastly, with all that said, a re-circulating theme among our resident jammers is that standing quietly among them all might be the most humble of the King condiments, that being Sir Mayo. Either a stoic base to other jams or proudly on it's own, Mayo is incredible. Ultimately, however, which condiment holds the true crown is up to you the jammer and that's why we ask You our wonderful reader to get aggressive and post a comment with your favorite condiment and why.

Burger King on the Offensive Again

TOKYO, Japan - Once again getting aggressive on acquiring more land for it's jam-fiefdom, Burger King announces it's plan to reinvest Tender Crisps into a market that once denied their jam. Resident jammer Greens reports:

"After a hiatus of nearly 7 years, Burger King is having another go at the Japanese market, opening two restaurants in Tokyo, one last Friday, and one on June 22nd, with more in the works. So finally, world-jammers, fears of entering a place where Tender Crisp means soft-shelled crab (which really is a huge jam) can be chucked into the disposal, and you can rest easy on your Japanese vacation with a 370 yen pit stop for two all beef patties with extra pickles. Boo-yeah! Apparently, in these new locations they’re launching a Japan-only Whopper Teriyaki, which, to me, sounds like nothing less than a total power-jam."

American fast food chains of reputable fame and fortune have had success in jamming Japanese, for now though, we will wait and see if the King can make it's comeback.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Judi Barrett's highly regarded novella is a gripping account that depicts the daily toils of the residents of Chewandswallow. On the surface, the town of Chewandswallow is truly a jammer's paradise. Each day the daily weather report calls for sky-dropped jams of many varieties and these resident jammers literally stand in the streets mouth open when it comes time to eat.

"What's the weather report today?"

"I heard it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs."

And so on...

There is however a sinister element at work here and whether Barrett is making a parody of human consumption and calling into question our gluttonous tendencies is certainly worth mentioning. We know. This is a child's book with sweet pictures and tales of awesome jams, but why then would the jams turn sour?

As the story unfolds, the jams that befall Chewandswallow take on a more nefarious form. No longer hamburgers or spaghetti with meatballs but rather stinky cheese and over-cooked and rubbery broccoli "rain" down upon the citizens of Chewandswallow . In addition to a general shift in the quality of the jams, the jams also become proportionately dangerous in size and literally destroy homes and disrupt daily commerce. Eventually, these jammers are left with the decision to live among heaps of food or pack what they have left of their dignity and sail away on giant sandwiches.

Barrett, having received her MA in Jamology, does directly address two very important aspects of the JamZone credo. First, not every item of food is a jam. Yes tika masala and chile verde tacos are sweet and we would devour vast quantities if either of these jams were to drop from the sky. But what about Bingle? What if a toxic mixture of Jello, Pringles, and beer were to fall from the sky? Would that be a jam?

Second, jams, when they morph into grotesque proportions, can bring about unforeseen maladies that can reek havoc on one's body and personal life. We have all been there. Indian buffet, lunch time. Fork in hand, you just get after it and get serious on some food. Eyes closed, you drift through giant Saag dunes in search of your naan and tika oasis. A half hour later you come to your senses on the floor of the bathroom with the lights out. You are cold and want to call home.

Barrett's tale is ultimately a lesson in how to not let the jam get the best of oneself and even if it ends in a bleak retreat, does offer us some hope. Maybe somewhere a jammer's paradise does exist. A place where, as Greens has stated, "baseball games are canceled because of a pie storm and boats are made from sandwiches." Furthermore, if this magical jam paradise does exist, we would hopefully, like the people of Chewandswallow, more than likely embrace temperance in the face of falling jams.

The Age Old Question

Fuddruckers, the jamstablishment we all know and love, a classic jam or a stomach punch?? Comment with your vote!!

The Reverse Jam

Jammers, a moment of reflection:

There has always been some debate as to the proper procedure for handling a foul jam. While jamming at a local soul jamateria, Greens found himself deeply involved with a toppling plate of southern jambalaya. Half way through, the jam turned sour, real sour. Knowing the odds, Greens did the only thing a jammer can do. He fought the threatening geyser with double-time jamming. In a classic battle of up versus down, Greens cleared his plate and ran for the bathroom. Bent over, staring into the bowl, Greens imagined himself as a huge shrimp, inches away from a cocktail fork, reeking of the sea, his voice too weak to cry out before being gutted and swallowed. What followed was a harrowing, hour long psychological battle that would leave Greens on his back, next to the toilet, with every ounce of murderous jam, too tired to keep fighting, still in his jam zone. So, what did we learn? Like our feelings about girls we like, foul jam’s should remain bottled up inside us, no matter how badly they want to escape, because a jam is a jam, no matter how messed that shit is.