Friday, May 26, 2006

Our JAM Could Be Your Life

Apologies for the lack of recent posts. It's obvious that the JAM is getting in the way of our reporting here at the Zone. When you dedicate most of your waking hours to the logisitics of the JAM (hauling supplies, canvassing local buffets, monitoring cattle futures) there's only so much time for posting. The other day we tried to Jam and post, and now there is wing sauce between the computer keys. So we've decided to hire an intern.

This is basically an unpaid position. Your grand responsibility would be to help us balance our JAM-heavy lifestyles with our duties to this site. For example, if we were jamming hard (perhaps installing a deep fryer in our kitchen while downing skewered lamb) you might have to help us out with posts, editing, and other JamZone-related matters.

Likewise, one day we'll probably just send you up the street for a tray of tacos. Or you might have to participate in one of our weekly JZ-sponsored events. Such as next week's "Four Men, One Keg" challenge. As it stands, we're obviously one man short.

Requirements: Elementary computer skills. Internet connection. Impressive GI capacity. Solid internals. No food allergies (complicates our monthly MYSTERY JAM).

if you feel up for it, simply leave your name, e-mail, and your top three SF Jams in the comments section...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Epic Camel Jam

For two Thanksgivings in a row, JamZone editors and their affiliates have overseen the preparation and consumption of a mutant roast bird known as the Turducken. Popular in the pre-Emeril world of butter-soaked Cajun excess championed by legendary chef Paul Prudhomme and with gluttonous football fans (John Madden has long been an advocate for the cause), the Turducken consists of a boned chicken stuffed inside a boned duck stuffed inside a semi-boned turkey, all sewn up, and baked in a low oven for many hours until each layer of bird is tender and drippings have well-greased the ribbons of cheap stuffing between them. As the steaming mass descends on an already overloaded banquet table in highly medieval fashion, a posse of hearty Jammers will gather 'round to slice through and spill forth intertwined meaty chunks in varied hues like the surreal delicious guts of a strange mythological creature. The Jam is Classic to say the least.

Nonetheless, Brandy thinks it is high time to call bullshit on the Turducken. It pales in comparison with what JamZone has determined to be largest Jam in the world. Imagine an entire camel cleaned, skinned, boiled, and stuffed with an entire cleaned, skinned, and boiled sheep. Now, imagine that sheep stuffed with a number of trimmed and boiled whole chickens that are, in turn, stuffed with an unholy quantity of black pepper, cooked rice, hard-boiled eggs, tasty nuts, and other savory perfuming agents. Prepared by expert cooks almost exclusively for the wedding feasts of wealthy Bedouin families, this dish, in some sense, utterly redefines the Jam. Just imagining what it might be like to feast on this mighty concoction is enough to make this JamZone contributor completely and utterly full.

If you think this post smacks of camel fodder, you’re not alone. Many have a tendency to doubt the truth of tales regarding the roasting of extremely large mammals. In his 1998 book The Fearless Diner, Richard Sterling reveals that he feared the same. That is, until, in Bangkok, deep in his travels, he finally met a brilliant hotel chef who’d actually done it:

I knew in my gut, in my gastronomic soul, that what I had long hoped was true. That it wasn't just some wild traveler's tale designed to stir the imagination and not the pot. The ultimate cookout was a reality. The only thing that could possibly be greater would be to spit-roast a giant squid. My wildest culinary dream could come true. Sven, Allah bless him and may his tribe increase, had done it.

"I tell you no lie," he went on, sipping a cold one. "They wanted camel. I roasted a whole camel on a spit."

"Yes!" I cried. "Tell me everything." And he did. He told me how he stuffed the camel with six sheep, stuffed the sheep with chickens, and the chickens with fish. He told me how it took 24 hours to cook, and that he served it on a silver platter in the shape of a recumbent camel. He related how the tribesmen who were the sheik's guests then attacked it with their knives en masse, feasted with their bare hands, and ate the meat down to the ivory.”


What’s more, for serious haters, from a 1983 California Home Economics Teachers cookbook called International Cuisine, a Saudi housewife’s no-nonsense recipe for Stuffed Camel stands as further proof. Jam on:

Stuffed Camel

1 whole camel, medium size
1 whole lamb, large size
20 whole chickens, medium size
60 eggs
12 kilos rice
2 kilos pine nuts
2 kilos almonds
1 kilo pistachio nuts
110 gallons water
5 pounds black pepper
Salt to taste

Skin, trim and clean camel, lamb and chicken. Boil until tender. Cook rice until fluffy. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens. Add more rice. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

REAL-TIME MEAL TIME!!! JAM IS NOW!!!

Currently on the couch sit King, BenJAMin, Brandy, Grape, and Halflater. In their collective belly lie 80 buffalo wings, a bunch of celery, about two cups of blue cheese, and a twelver of Natural Light. Oh yeah, Brandy just brought out a second plate of fried mushrooms!!! And there's talk of a sneaky run to Walgreen's for a big bag of Reeses cups. Say they won't!!! ANd now they want to batter the candy!!!


The brilliant minds at ABC have the entertainment covered, with two hours of season-ending LOST. You guessed it, the JAM is on...

BBQ BUFFET BBQ BUFFET BBQ BUFFET


One of King's favorite hometown jams is the blessed Little Pigs Barbecue, nestled on theoutskirts of Columbia, SC. This is an endless buffet (not pictured above are the whole pig, which sits on an opposite table for pickin', and the dessert table) that sets you back $7 for lunch and a buck or two more for dinner.

The full buffet is only available Thursday through Saturday (obviously there are laws in place to regulate such Jams as Little Pigs). King once went twice for lunch in three days. A true challenge, of course, would be to eat both lunch and dinner (unlike some of the lesser buffet Jams, Little Pigs doesn't close between lunch and dinner, so you could get there at 11:00 AM and leave at 9:00 PM ) for three days straight.

BE THERE!!!

THE JAM CHALLENGE

JZ must do a more detailed post on all the Jam Challenges that lie ahead. High-count In-N-Out jams (10 x 10, anyone?), Wing competitions (Ben you are meat tonight!), DMGs, etc. But let's relay a recent episode:

One morning a friend (hell of a jammer, this friend) and King needed a jam challenge but were fresh out of respectable jam fuel. Still a bit addled from the previous night, and in full competitive mode, they decided to see who could eat the biggest spoonfuls of salt. Then they switched to eating heaps of flour. Was it a jam? By all accounts, certainly not. In fact it was disguisting, wasteful, and King's internals turned to briny paste for the rest of the day. But was the spirit of the Jam Challenge in full effect? JamZone votes YES!!!

3 lb. Jam: Fuddruckers

Jammers. Who among you has never dined upon a Fuddruckers burger? This my friends is a real jam. 1/3 and 1/2 burgers are for beginners. Those who really want to jam hard need to step up and eat a 3 lb. burger. Yeah that's right, 3lbs. of beef. Grab hold of a basket of onion rings topped with Jalapeno cheese and a F-Ruckers water bottle brimmed with Raspberry Iced-T for refreshment and you have a real Jam. Grape has been log-jamming Fuddruckers since he was a little seed. Ahh those were the days. A classic jam was 1 lb. burger, check, onion rings, check, and then topping off your jam by making a little jam-condiment salad with Honey mustard dressing. No doubt, Grape jammed hard and often. If you have never jammed Fuddruckers, you need to BE THERE !!! On the JamZone Radar, Daly City Fuddruckers.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

BINGLE: The Impromptu Jam

Today JamZone recounts an incident in the early days of the Jam, when Grape, Brandy, and King were only beginning to appreciate its complexity, sheer power, and disastrous side effects.

On a typical weekend night of drinking and disregard, the boys had rounded up some of the crew for a poker game. JamZone isn't too sure how the cards fell that night, but legend has it that King, in a strange combination of beer-fueled hunger and creative splendor, cobbled together one of the finest Impromptu Jams in recent remory.

There were beers everwhere. A dish of lime Jello sat in the fridge, lonely and unguarded. A can of Pringles stood on the counter.

King swooped up the Pringles, crushed up two handfuls and threw them into the Jello. A cup of beer was needed to soften the sharp edges of the delightful potato shrapnel atop the Jello. He swirled the ingredients to a fine slurry, then poured it down the edge of the bowl and down his throat.

Thus BINGLE was born.

Similar expirements with BICE (beer, Jello, and Rice) were less successful.

Wednesday Night Wing Jam! BE THERE!!!

Tomorrow night, at the JamZone HQ. 9:00. RSVP in the comments section so King knows exactly how many chickens to kill and what size vat of blue cheese to buy.

Andre the Giant has a Jam


Andre the Giant was a Legendary Jammer. He stood almost 7 and a half feet tall and weighed in at approximately 530 pounds. His wrist was nearly a foot in circumference, far larger than most men's ankles. In "To the Giant Among Us", his December 1981 Sports Illustrated profile, author Terry Todd pegged the sweet-natured Mr. Rousimoff as a Jammer Beyond Compare, a man who, despite suffering from acromegaly for most of his adult life, thought nothing of consuming close to 7,000 calories a day from beer alone.

During the week or so I was with him, his average daily consumption was a case or so of beer; a total of two bottles of wine, generally French, with his meals; six or eight shots of brandy, usually Courvoisier or Napoléon, though sometimes Calvados; half a dozen standard mixed drinks, such as Bloody Marys or Screwdrivers; and the odd glass of Pernod. He drinks as many Frenchman drink - throughout the day - and he takes genuine comfort in his drinking, seemingly in agreement with the line from Housman that "Malt does more than Milton can / To justify God's ways to man." But during the time I was with Andre, never once did I see him give any indication that the alcohol was affecting him. Several friends who have known him over the years say that on the rare occasion when he feels the need to tie one on he avoids beer or wine and goes quickly through three fifths of vodka.

His eating was, by most accounts, equally formidable, though Todd suggests that Andre seemed to eat less than might be expected for a man of his bulk. Four eggs, bacon, hash browns, four pieces of whole wheat toast, a pint of orange juice and two iced coffees supposedly sufficed to break his nightly fast. A Minor Jam. On other occasions, he plowed through more absurd quantities. Reliable sources indicate that, once, at a Montreal eatery, he asked an irksome waitress to bring him the entire menu, one dish at a time. He completed the Jam in 4 hours.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Buffalo Wing Jam Uncovered

In the court of the Crimson Jam, here sits a true King among Jammers. This great man, who the JamZone will call Jim, jammed an unprecedented 73 wings. Sources confirm that this was an estimated 10.5 lbs. of Wing Jam smothered in "Hot" wing sauce. A true Jam-Champion, let the photos tell the tale. Empty plate, check, cold beer, check, confident swagger of a man fresh from a jam, CHECK !

Hangover + Classic Indian Jam II: A Remembrance of Jam Past

To bring it back to King's Indian Jam of previous posting, Brandy would like to add that Indian Buffet is actually the most brutal and direct Hangover Jam he has ever tried. In his book, it trumps Torta Gorda sandos and gritty Chinese dial-ups by miles.

A story to prove it: One fine Summer's eve a number of yrs ago, Brandy, Spot, Lil N, and most solid college bro 'Nache hooked up in My Old Kentucky Jamtown the night before a crucial Zoo Jam excursion and Shellac/Dianogah Concert Jam. The Feel-Good Jam of the Summer, twas. Rented out a 20 dollar room at the Economy Inn (major hooker and dealer JamSpot) and Jammed Intensely on Vodka and Rum until Sunrise. 'Nache staved off hunger mid-Jam with a Side Jam of Hot Dog from gas station down the road but when we arose to check out, after only a few hours of sleep, we were all so horribly fucked up and in bad need of a Restorative Jam pre-show and pre-zoo. Naturally, we looked to the Indian Restaurant across the street. Poor 'Nache could not handle the Tikka Masala or the Vindaloo. He was nibbling lettuce greens and other Peripheral Buffet Items with little external pleasure. Brandy bombed on Saag Paneer (one of the most dangerous Jam foods ever created). Spot and Lil N were holding their own. We crushed until we reached Jam Capacity. Less than three hours later, deep in the Zoo, highly engrossed in the hobbling patterns of a smelly dromedary, Brandy took a sip from his extra-large slushy and realized that he felt absolutely grand despite having, along with 3 other formidable Booze Jammers, capsized 1.75 liters of Captain Morgan's and assassinated 1 liter of Smirnoff vodka less than 6 hours prior. A Very Classic Jam, no doubt. No scientist would have guessed that a Jammer seeking to soothe an Over-Jammed Stomach and Liver would manage to do so with the aid of tandoori skewers, spicy curried bean pastes, and Basmatic pilafs. Guess again. Jam Zone invites any "scientists" to explain how this Miraculously Successful Jam Sequence transpired.

Moreoever, JamZone also invites you non-scientists to reflect on some Jams you might have sought out for the specific purpose of eliminating the pains of a wretched hangover. We await your tales. Until then, Jam On.

TACOS, A CLASSIC JAM

The Dollar Menu Gauntlet

Don't worry, King didn't do the McDonalds DMG today. He actually went with the fruit and cottage cheese, probably wise as he fends off a cold.

But JamZone has received some definite reader interest in the DMG. Turns out that the three DMGs (McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King) aren't that suitable for side-t0-side comparison. Here's why:

The Wendy's dollar menu features 12 items, including three burgers, five nuggets, fries and a baked potato. All in all, this glorious dozen packs 3130 calories and 125 grams of fat, 37 of which are saturated. That is probably a bit heavy for a lunch jam.

But take a stroll down to Burger King, where the dollar menu offers you a well-rounded jam of the Whopper Jr, four chicken tenders, fries, onion rings, salad, apple pie and soda. You could probably take your girlfriend here for a DMG with little protest. It's a reasonable jam and comes in right at $7.

Meanwhile, McDonalds DMG is just as bad as JamZone initially thought. Here's what you get, according to the Web site: "Double Cheeseburger, McChicken Sandwich, Fries, Soft Drink, Snack Size Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait, Hot Fudge Sundae, 2 pies and a Side Salad." JamZone knows what you're thinking - pretty much in line with Burger Kings' waistline-conscious guantlet, right? But trust JZ- that pair of pies and those two dairy desserts will create a war zone in your stomach, and in an hour or two you will be cringing in pain on the toilet as you try to expel the heap of fat and dairy and meat and carbs that are squaring off in your gut.

Anyway, King and Grape will surely try one of the DMGs soon. JZ will let you know how it goes.

A Jam Deferred

This can be the most classic of Jams. Sometimes a truly avid Jammer elects not to Jam in the moment so that his or her vibes and general constitution permit monster Jam at a point in the (hopefully) near future. Last weekend was Brandy's Jam Deferred. Friday's tentative red wine and calamari Jam Romantica with lady at decent local trattoria was marred by a strange waiter's Jam-inhibiting poor service and the boisterous and willfully inclusive antics of a Peruvian birthday party at table next door. Passed out, champagne glass spilling, in bed, less than one hour into The 40 year old Virgin. A limping, three-legged Jam. Likewise, Sunday, Brandy awoke and hit up Rainbow Grocery for only mildly Jammable organic foodstuffs for the purpose of improving general health. Sunday breakfast was epic and positively geographic in scope -- a golden lake of eggs with wild Hen of the Woods shrooms, green garlic, fake meat, and Australian raw milk cheddar cooked and crammed across a large bluff of ciabatta bread alongside an Avo mound and the requisite red river of Srirachi sauce -- but, absent use of deep fryer, call for delivery, or late-night trip to Walgreen's (invariably for post-Purple Diesel Confection Jam), it was not much of a Jam. Late-night, as Grape endeavored to Be Healthy and King fought off an impending cold virus with succinct Cupcake Jam, Brandy's Pabst intake hovered on the edge of Jam territory but the Jam was not to Be. Brandy hopes to revisit the Jam later this week at the fine Jack's Bar as the NBA Playoffs (again, hopefully, perhaps even Surely) continue to deliver fine Athletic Theater best accompanied by a Boiled Pollo Burrito con Extra Avo to go from El Farolito + Bottomless Busch Beer Glass Jam. Until then, Jam on.

The Buffalo Wing Jam

You asked for it and Jam Zone readies yet another installment. Thanks to King for a lunch Jam update Financial District style. Ok, let's get down to it, this guy Jams. What is he jamming on, the king of Jams, the Buffalo Wing. Question is, how many could you eat? 20? 30? 50!?! Now that would truly be a jam and one the Jam Zone would love to sponsor. King and Grape recently squared off in an all-you-can eat wing fest and Grape won by a hair, although King did receive points for leaving the jam out all night to collect Jam Ants. Yes, even ants love to Jam. In fact, a topic for discussion, do Ants rule the Jam on the insect level? An obvious commpetitor would be the Jam Roach. Post Comments and you BE THE JUDGE !

Lunch Jams

Holed up in his cubicle in downtown SF, King needs to kick off the work week with a lunch jam. Feeling uncharacteristically democratic, he's decided to poll JamZone readers for suggestions. Please vote in the comment section for one of the following jams:

1) Indian Buffet - See post below for visuals. There is no fucking around with this option. Pros include lots of mass, exotic spices, and tablecloth. Cons include the suspect quality of ingredients, the ensuing bloody mess that will eventually land in the toilet, and the smell of curry seeping out of King's pores later that day at the gym.

2) Fresh fruit and cottage cheese from the gym - Alas, this is not a Jam at all. But King's tract is still mending itself from the heavy weekend Jams, so this healthy and gentle alternative might be required to get the system back in order for more intensive and caloric jams later this week

3) Dollar Menu Gauntlet (DMG) - A repulsive Jam that includes one of everything on the dollar menu at the nearest fast food chain. King, Grape, and Brandy were talking last night about the feasibility and tastiness of each of the major chain's dollar menus. General agreement that Burger King takes the prize, with Wendy's not too far behind. Bringing up the distant rear would be McDonalds, with its heavy emphasis on $1 dessert items. Unfortunately, King's closest option is McDonalds, so unless you think gobbling down a McFlurry, a parfait, and a box of those cookies is a good idea, perhaps you should spare King the misery of a McDonalds DMG.

Cast your votes...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Indian Buffet. Classic JAM !!!

Welcome to JamZone!!!

Hey there, JamZone is up and running! That's right, a window into the lives of Grape, Brandy, and King, coming to you live from the foot of Potrero Hill in San Francisco. First off, let's introduce you to the Jam.

Today for dinner, Grape rolled up on a super burrito featuring the unholy combination of fried fish and chile verde pork. Reports from Grape indicate it was a total Jam.

And just yesterday, King woke up with a monumental hangover and immediately dialed up the local Chinese slop shop. Crab Rangoon, check. Spicy Wings, check. General Tso's, check. Jam, indeed. Earlier last week, King was spotted at his go-to downtown Indian joint. Lamb Curry, check. Vegatable Curry, check. Rice, Naan, check. Two Mountain Dews, check. Definite Jam.